The Civilian’s 2016 – A Year in Rear-view

Wow. What a year it’s been. It’s the kind of year that, after it all, just makes you want to put your feet up, crack open a beer, and shoot yourself in the face. Whether it was earthquakes galore, political outcomes not even that octopus that predicted the world cup could’ve seen coming [...]

Christmas shoppers revisit annual moral crisis about whether Cadbury Favourites are still an acceptable gift

The nation’s Christmas shoppers are being forced to relive an all-too-painful moral crisis this holiday season [...]

Other News

One of these men is New Zealand’s Prime Minister. Which one is anyone’s guess.

Kaikoura locals engage in vigorous debate about which man at table is Prime Minister

A group of locals at a small Kaikoura café became locked in a vigorous debate today when Bill English made his first visit in his capacity as Prime Minister. English sat down for a coffee with four other men, one of whom was Earthquake Recovery Minister Gerry Brownlee. Patrons seated […]

A gathering of scientists in Brussels has proposed that our Earth is one of many occupying different streams of time, and that our stream of time – once in the normal temporal flow – has dramatically verged into a bizarro stream that it’s paramount we escape.

Scientists believe world veered off into bizarro timestream sometime in mid-June

A gathering of real scientists in Brussels this week has concluded, after months of careful analysis, that the reality we are currently experiencing diverged from the normal timestreams in which it usually resides, and veered into a “bizarro” timestream sometime around mid-June of this year. The Brussels conference was called […]

Bill English – The Prime Minister who was there

Bill English – The Prime Minister who was there

When John Key anointed Bill English as his successor, he was confident in his own mind of exactly why: because he was a man who was there. Indeed, for his entire life, Bill English has been a man who was there. He first rose to the leadership of the National […]

Remembering John Key – A Civilian special feature

Remembering John Key – A Civilian special feature

Yesterday afternoon, at roughly 2:50pm, John Key ceased to be Prime Minister of New Zealand. Before he left Wellington for the last time, he packed up his Beehive office, and ceremonially pranked Bill English by leaving framed pictures of women’s ankles that he knew would rattle him. He then made […]

PICTURED: Bill English regales media with tales of a “pretty crazy” night in.

Bill English celebrated last night by using twice the amount of Listerine he usually does

Incoming Prime Minister Bill English celebrated his ascension to the highest office in the land last night by cheekily knocking back twice the amount of Listerine he usually uses before his 10pm bedtime. English acknowledged that he may have gone a “bit wild” during celebrations last night, but said that […]

Incoming Prime Minister Bill English is feeling little pressure about the upcoming election, knowing that he can’t possibly do worse than last time.

20.9% of country thrilled

The 20.9% of New Zealanders that voted for Bill English to be Prime Minister in 2002 are finally set to see their dreams become a reality, as he accidentally stumbles his way into office on Monday. The other two leadership contenders, Jonathan Coleman and the voice of darkness that haunts […]