Awkward misunderstanding after AC/DC drummer says band needs ‘two hits’

Police are relieved today after discovering that when AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd said, in a private conversation, that he wanted “two hits,” he was not, in fact, referring to musical hits, but rather wanted only to purchase the assassination of two people. At a press conference this afternoon [...]

Key spoke to Cameron Slater 'not as Prime Minister', but as a sponge

Facing fresh criticism about the details of his relationship with Whale Oil blogger Cameron Slater, Prime Minister John Key today claimed that, on the occasions he spoke with Mr. Slater, he did not do [...]

Other News

While they would still appreciate him coming down, police say they’re confident the man has “nowhere to hide.”

Surrounded sex offender still won’t come down from roof

After an agonising 54-year wait, it is beginning to appear as though a notorious sex offender dressed as Santa may not, in fact, surrender to police and descend from his perch atop a Queen Street Whitcoulls. The man, who is wanted on charges unknown, reportedly fled from police in 1960, […]

Some political reporters believe that Peters doesn’t have a home, and sleeps in television studios in hopes of being asked about current events.

Winston Peters finally allowed on TV3 set after standing next to it for 78 hours

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters was finally allowed on the set of TV3’s The Nation this afternoon, after standing just off-camera for what producers estimate was more than 78 hours. Peters, who had been acting like he was meant to be there, and promised he would have something “explosive” […]

Key insists that this is Collins’ “very last” penultimate warning.

Prime Minister issues Judith Collins with last, definitively final, absolutely penultimate warning

Prime Minister John Key cancelled a campaign event in Wellington early this afternoon in order to publicly issue Justice Minister Judith Collins with a “definitively final penultimate warning” over her professional behaviour. Collins – who was previously given a final warning over her questionable relationship with exporting company Oravida, and […]

Turkmenistan’s challenge to New Zealand comes just one week after Pope Francis apparently died attempting to avoid his own $100 donation.

Government to save $400 million by doing ice bucket challenge on behalf of whole country

The National Government this afternoon announced plans to save New Zealand in excess of $400 million by performing an ALS ice bucket challenge, after the nation of Turkmenistan nominated it to do so after completing its own ice bucket video. The challenge, which requires participants to donate $100 to charity […]

Key says the poll shows that Labour is 4% worse than gouging your eyes out, while National is only 2% worse.

Viewers judge TV3 to be winner in TV One leaders’ debate

A snap political poll taken after last night’s leader’s debate on TV One has revealed that most New Zealanders felt that, in the head-to-head contest between Prime Minister John Key and Labour leader David Cunliffe, TV3 emerged the victor. 42% of respondents said that, after taking a careful look at […]

A stern letter written to an effigy of John Key at an Internet-Mana rally has led to concerns about the deterioration of our political discourse.

Out of control crowd writes stern letter to effigy of John Key

The Internet Party has been forced to apologise this afternoon after an out-of-control crowd at one of its rallies began chanting mild criticisms about John Key, before writing a serious and stern letter to an effigy of him. The crowd of mostly students at Aotea Square in Auckland began to […]