Domino’s delivery drone kills six at wedding

A collateral damage incident has occurred in Papakura today during a routine test of one of Domino’s Pizza’s new delivery drones, set to be put into widespread use early next year. The drone in question was programmed to deliver three pizzas to a private address in Papakura, but on the way to its destination [...]

Andrew Little changes mind about marijuana legalisation after supporter offers him a joint

Labour Leader Andrew Little, who recently expressed his distaste with the idea of relaxing laws on marijuana for recreational [...]

Other News

New Zealanders are switching KiwiSaver schemes today following revelations they might get more out of a scheme that invests in cluster bombs.

Kiwis just want to know whether their KiwiSaver investments in cluster bombs are doing well

Following media reports yesterday that at least five of nine KiwiSaver providers are investing in companies that make land mines and cluster bombs, the Green Party is calling on the government to review default providers, to ensure New Zealanders aren’t unwittingly putting their retirement savings toward inhumane weapons of war. […]

According to TVNZ, Rawdon Christie repeatedly refused to change his name to something someone could plausibly have in the 21st Century.

TVNZ acknowledges experiment to cryogenically freeze man from 1920s and put him on TV today has failed

With today’s announcement that Jack Tame and Hilary Barry will take over TV One’s breakfast programme, TVNZ has acknowledged its nearly century-long experiment to cryogenically freeze Rawdon Christie in the 1920s, subsequently thawing him for use on their network in the current decade, has categorically failed. Christie, a British aristocrat […]

Hastings gastro outbreak just marketing stunt to promote new documentary about Hastings gastro outbreak

Hastings gastro outbreak just marketing stunt to promote new documentary about Hastings gastro outbreak

What looked like an increasingly serious outbreak of a gastro illness caused by a contaminated water supply in Hastings’ Havelock North, has turned out to be nothing more than a publicity stunt by the makers of a new documentary about the outbreak. Following the launch of a Government inquiry into […]

Michael Phelps discusses his retirement – and his decision to bring about the deaths of billions – with NBC’s Matt Lauer.

Michael Phelps announces he has collected enough gold medals to activate the doomsday device

Michael Phelps, competitive swimmer and the most decorated Olympian in history, has announced his retirement today after winning a record total of 23 gold medals, five of them at this year’s Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro. Phelps announced his retirement in an interview with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today […]

The Civilian's Olympic schedule will be updated daily, along with results from previous days.

Rio Olympic Schedule – August 21st

August 21st 4:20am: 200m run out of ideas.   August 20th 1:35am: First to the top of the giant Jesus. 2:40am: The 50m tall tale 3:40am: Condom balloon animals 6:20am: The ‘spelling the dejeenero bit’ spelling bee 7:00am: Best drink made out of only two limes, a tangelo, a pine […]

Trump announces Melania ‘will have to go back’ to Slovenia

Trump announces Melania ‘will have to go back’ to Slovenia

Following a series of reports suggesting that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, may have worked as an illegal immigrant in 1995, the Republican Presidential Candidate* has announced that “fair is fair” and she’ll have to go home to Slovenia. He delivered the news while speaking at a rally in Portland, […]