Kiwis just want to know whether their KiwiSaver investments in cluster bombs are doing well

Following media reports yesterday that at least five of nine KiwiSaver providers are investing in companies that make land mines and cluster bombs, the Green Party is calling on the government [...]

Rio Olympic Schedule - August 20th

The Civilian’s Olympic schedule will be updated daily with all the highlights from the summer games, so be sure to check back often. Find times for all your favourite events, such as the Men's 500m dine n' dash, and the Women's Acrobatic Fencing and Christopher Walken Impression Doubles [...]

Other News

According to TVNZ, Rawdon Christie repeatedly refused to change his name to something someone could plausibly have in the 21st Century.

TVNZ acknowledges experiment to cryogenically freeze man from 1920s and put him on TV today has failed

With today’s announcement that Jack Tame and Hilary Barry will take over TV One’s breakfast programme, TVNZ has acknowledged its nearly century-long experiment to cryogenically freeze Rawdon Christie in the 1920s, subsequently thawing him for use on their network in the current decade, has categorically failed. Christie, a British aristocrat […]

Hastings gastro outbreak just marketing stunt to promote new documentary about Hastings gastro outbreak

Hastings gastro outbreak just marketing stunt to promote new documentary about Hastings gastro outbreak

What looked like an increasingly serious outbreak of a gastro illness caused by a contaminated water supply in Hastings’ Havelock North, has turned out to be nothing more than a publicity stunt by the makers of a new documentary about the outbreak. Following the launch of a Government inquiry into […]

Michael Phelps discusses his retirement – and his decision to bring about the deaths of billions – with NBC’s Matt Lauer.

Michael Phelps announces he has collected enough gold medals to activate the doomsday device

Michael Phelps, competitive swimmer and the most decorated Olympian in history, has announced his retirement today after winning a record total of 23 gold medals, five of them at this year’s Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro. Phelps announced his retirement in an interview with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today […]

Trump announces Melania ‘will have to go back’ to Slovenia

Trump announces Melania ‘will have to go back’ to Slovenia

Following a series of reports suggesting that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, may have worked as an illegal immigrant in 1995, the Republican Presidential Candidate* has announced that “fair is fair” and she’ll have to go home to Slovenia. He delivered the news while speaking at a rally in Portland, […]

It is believed that the torch thief may have mistaken it for a giant cigarette

Olympic torchbearer mugged, torch missing

The final leg of the Olympic torch relay was interrupted today in Rio de Janeiro, after the torchbearer, Renato Luiz Feliciano Lourenço, was mugged at gunpoint in the middle of the relay, and had the torch stolen from him. Authorities were unable to apprehend the thief, as they had received […]

Chiefs CEO Andrew Flexman explains why his players can’t be held to the high standards expected of children.

Chiefs saga highlights need for children to be better role models for impressionable rugby players

A series of highly inappropriate actions by players of the Chiefs rugby team earlier this week has highlighted the need for children, and society generally, to be better role models to young, highly impressionable and totally incapable adults such as rugby players, says the team’s CEO, Andrew Flexman. “Obviously, in […]