Judith Collins loses all control of host body

National MP Judith Collins is said to be panicking after her mind lost all control of one of its host bodies in the late hours of this morning. The body, apparently accelerating its programming by several years, went on a 50-minute press conference rampage, accusing leader Simon Bridges of [...]

Water Whirler doubles in value after beaning titanic douchemonger

The Wellington man who broke the Len Lye Water Whirler sculpture may be relieved today after a report revealed that his antics on the waterfront art piece have actually doubled its value, an [...]

Other News

On the left is one thing we're talking about. On the right is another thing we're talking about. You see them here juxtaposed. You are now informed.

Just how much of the $2 billion Kiwibuild fund has Phil Twyford spent on Fortnite?

One Auckland mother is reportedly furious and distraught after finding her finances several million dollars short due to purchases in the video game Fortnite by one of her ministers. The minister, 55-year-old Phil, has reportedly racked up untold numbers of cosmetic purchases on the mother’s account without her knowledge, and […]

Numbers notably don't indicate whether it's the business owners or if the businesses themselves are sad.

Government will provide therapy for business owners to help them feel more confident

In an attempt to ease plummeting business confidence, the not-Labour-led Government says it plans to spend some of its unexpectedly large surplus on therapy for those business owners who are not feeling so confident right now. Finance Minister Grant Robertson said he was “deeply saddened” to see how much confidence […]

Despite his name and appearance, Dave Scott insists he is just "a human" and not "some kind of proctorbot."

Proctor struggles to explain why he also took two cans of beans, a beer, 60 dollars, and a bath

Otago University proctor Dave Scott has landed himself in hot water this week after entering a student flat without permission and stealing three bongs. Scott, who has publicly apologised today and acknowledged he made a mistake, says he was just trying to protect the students from possible police action, and […]

Strawberries have traditionally contained more strawberry.

Australian fruit brands promise items found in strawberries will be ‘more fun’ from now on

Australian fruit brands affected by the recent spate of needles found in their strawberries are attempting to win back customers by promising that items found in their fruit will be “much more fun” from now on, and while there was still an unfortunate risk that you might find a needle […]

Scientists are concerned whale civilizations will never advance if we stop sending them plastic bags.

Recent whale sightings in Wellington may just be whales trying to stockpile plastic bags

Department of Conservation experts believe that recent sightings of Southern right whales in Wellington Harbour may be related to the upcoming plastic bag ban that will be implemented by the government. Southern right whales have been spotted in the harbour twice this year in a relatively short space of time, […]

Former Broadcasting Minister Clare Curran may have lost her job, but she survives another day without being fired from it.

Ardern reaffirms that she still won’t be firing Clare Curran

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern is holding firm today, saying she still won’t be firing Broadcasting Minister Clare Curran, even after accepting her resignation. Curran, who resigned yesterday following a decision to do so Thursday night, had struggled to answer questions this week about her use of a gmail account, fuelling […]

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