King Abdullah temporarily halts death hoax after dissatisfaction with mourning

Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, apparently dissatisfied with the way in which his death is being mourned in Saudi Arabia and abroad, has awkwardly called a temporary halt to his own elaborate death hoax, so that he might instruct his people on how they could better express their emotions over his passing [...]

Young man makes it through entire holiday period without dying

A 22-year-old man has reportedly made it through the entire Christmas and New Years holiday period without dying in a shocking and untimely manner; a turn of events that has brought great relief to his friends and relatives. Martin Gerrard, who went back to [...]

Other News

A young man from the Coromandel has bucked this year’s news trend and is still alive.

Young man makes it through entire holiday period without dying

A 22-year-old man has reportedly made it through the entire Christmas and New Years holiday period without dying in a shocking and untimely manner; a turn of events that has brought great relief to his friends and relatives. Martin Gerrard, who went back to work on Monday, was discovered by […]

Holy shit, please don’t punch us.

Why Maria Regina Sivori is our Mother of the Year and we don’t want to be punched by the Pope

When a young Pope Francis told his mother that he was studying theology and entering the church, she was shocked, as he had told her that he wanted to study medicine. Maria Regina Sivori, mother of five, worked long and often dangerous hours in Argentina’s deepest mines to provide for […]

Holy fuck, please don’t kill us.

Editorial: Why ISIL is great and we don’t want to die

Ladies and gentlemen, loyal readers, confused Americans who accidentally found this in a Google search: as you will know, today we relaunched the Civilian with an eye towards the New Year and beyond. But we did not do so under the most ideal of circumstances. For it was only two […]

The Civilian 2.0

The Civilian 2.0

What is the news? The news is a complicated series of interlocking gears, gyrating around a glowing ball of knowledge in the heart of our nation’s capital; Auckland. The news is a rhombus, a sort of black stew with carrot and a hint of vinegar. The news is a window […]

Awkward misunderstanding after AC/DC drummer says band needs ‘two hits’

Awkward misunderstanding after AC/DC drummer says band needs ‘two hits’

Police are relieved today after discovering that when AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd said, in a private conversation, that he wanted “two hits,” he was not, in fact, referring to musical hits, but rather wanted only to purchase the assassination of two people. At a press conference this afternoon, Mount Maunganui […]

While they would still appreciate him coming down, police say they’re confident the man has “nowhere to hide.”

Surrounded sex offender still won’t come down from roof

After an agonising 54-year wait, it is beginning to appear as though a notorious sex offender dressed as Santa may not, in fact, surrender to police and descend from his perch atop a Queen Street Whitcoulls. The man, who is wanted on charges unknown, reportedly fled from police in 1960, […]