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1pm health update for Saturday, September 18 2021

1pmhealthupdatefeatureThe following is a summary of today’s 1pm health update from the Ministry of Health

Today there are 20 new cases of Covid-19 to report in the community, and 6 new cases of the Ebola virus. Please do not concern yourself with the Ebola; this will probably be fine.

Of today’s 20 cases, 8 were infectious in the community, 7 are known household contacts, and 4 represent potentially catastrophic failures of the contact tracing system. The remaining case cannot be linked to a human being at this time.

This brings the total number of cases to lots and lots.

A small number of cases remain unlinked to the current outbreak, and rigorous work continues to establish links. Contact tracers are beginning to hone in on the possibility that these cases are linked by transmission of the virus SARS-CoV-2.

Several new locations of interest have been identified outside the Auckland region. These include The Stalking Giraffe tavern in Hamilton, Cathedral Cove in the Coromandel, and whatever that little pier in Napier is called, the one that doesn’t even go into the water.

These have been identified as locations of interest for the following reasons: live music, sunny beach, mediocre views.

Be sure to check out these locations next you get the chance.

The results of wastewater testing around the greater Auckland region have revealed very disgusting and unhygienic water. Samples from catchments in West Auckland, Pukekohe and North Shore were extremely dirty, and smell horrible.

Similar results have been recorded around the country.

The Ministry has issued an advisory not to drink this water unless thoroughly boiled.

60,480 vaccine doses were administered or went missing yesterday. A further 4,178 doses of flu vaccine were also administered, as well as around 200 doses of heroin.

Any heroin administered was the result of an unfortunate needle mix-up, but is isolated to a single vaccination site.

Those who received a dose of heroin will be eligible for their second dose from October 1.

Roughly 18,400 tests were carried out yesterday, including nearly 10,000 in the Auckland region. 348 of these test results are currently outstanding, and we’d just like to congratulate those people on their excellent work. Great results.

If you’re sick, stay home, get a test. If you haven’t already, book your vaccine at bookmyvaccine.nz or look out for your local murder wagon. 

And always remember: the virus is not the problem, people are.