20.9% of country thrilled

Incoming Prime Minister Bill English is feeling little pressure about the upcoming election, knowing that he can’t possibly do worse than last time.

Incoming Prime Minister Bill English is feeling little pressure about the upcoming election, knowing that he can’t possibly do worse than last time.

The 20.9% of New Zealanders that voted for Bill English to be Prime Minister in 2002 are finally set to see their dreams become a reality, as he accidentally stumbles his way into office on Monday.

The other two leadership contenders, Jonathan Coleman and the voice of darkness that haunts children in their nightmares, dropped out of the race this afternoon and this morning, respectively.

This means that English, who worked and campaigned hard to become Prime Minister over a decade ago, has finally achieved it by mistake without actually trying at all.

“It just goes to show that if you work hard and have big dreams, you’ll fail miserably,” said Doris Murphy, who voted for National in 2002, “but if you just kind of hang around and do your job, everything will be handed to you.”

Murphy said that when she voted for National in 2002 she “always knew” Bill English would become Prime Minister one day.

“That’s what he said,” she said. “Vote for National, and I’ll be Prime Minister. He never said when.”

Other 2002 National voters were similarly excited by today’s developments, including 98-year-old Doreen Atkinson, who still has a collection of “Plain English” pamphlets from that year’s election, as well as several large posters of English on her living room wall.

“Oh he’s truly adorable,” she said. “He was a lovely young man, always came by every weekend to deliver my packages.”

Further reporting has revealed Atkinson has mistaken a man from NZ Courier for Bill English, who, to our knowledge, has never delivered packages.

The posters on her wall are also not of English, but rather a cactus.

English will officially become Prime Minister on Monday, when he will finally be able to put away the Altar of Baal, which he and Coleman were set to be sacrificed upon if Judith Collins became Prime Minister.