All natural: how the ancient Aztecs drank chia seed smoothies from their local wankshop

An ancient Aztec health shop owner dispenses patented health foods to his well-nourished customers.

At this time of year, many of us are feeling the need to improve our diet following a long summer of binge drinking, overeating, drinking again in the morning to avoid a hangover, and waking up shitfaced in the middle of the road next to a dead animal of a species no longer distinguishable by its horrifically mutilated carcass.

Being healthier is never easy, especially when KFC is giving away the chicken they dropped on the floor earlier in the day for just a few dollars after 11pm, but now more than ever, it’s surprisingly simple to maintain a diet that will make you thinner, healthier and happier.

Did you know that the main reason humans get sick at all is because we put things in our body we didn’t used to when human civilization was young? Properly treated tap water, medicine and antivenom for snake bites are just several of the things that ancient civilizations never had, which is why they were much healthier than we are today.

That’s why people all across New Zealand and the world are increasingly adopting traditional diets, eating only ancient foods that have been consumed for millennia, such as low-carb gluten-free fruit cake, carob brownies, and smoothies with grass in them.

This is how the ancient Aztecs ate.

Did you know that in the ancient Aztec Empire, people would flock to their local holistic wankshops in droves to partake in a late afternoon chia seed smoothie? Sometimes these shops would be so overrun with customers that those who came in too late would be forced to buy brown rice sushi instead!

Yes, the Aztecs were one with nature, and regularly looked at the sky, which is a thing people used to be able to see.

If you follow what ancient peoples ate, you can’t go wrong, because their diets were naturally tailored to their genetics, rather than bizarre quirks of culture with no scientific basis.

So if a chia seed smoothie doesn’t work out for you, consider other things the Aztecs would’ve eaten, such as each other.