Ardern’s baby to be sent to regions as part of coalition deal with NZ First

The PM and Deputy PM confirm plans to send Ardern’s baby to the regions, while a sign language interpreter indicates the vague direction the newborn will be headed.

The PM and Deputy PM confirm plans to send Ardern’s baby to the regions, while a sign language interpreter indicates the vague direction the newborn will be headed.

Regional Development Minister and leading suspect in the disappearance of the Glenfield Peaches & Cream DVD section Shane Jones, announced today that as part of a previously confidential clause in the Labour-New Zealand First coalition agreement, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern’s newly born baby will be shipped to the regions, just after it’s born next month.

Jones said the agreement was not specific to the Prime Minister’s first child, but was part of a broader agreement struck between the two parties.

“As part of our agreement, any baby born to the Prime Minister or any of my extramarital affairs or premarital affairs during the period of this term will be donated to New Zealand’s regional growth,” he said. “The regions have been long neglected, and are in dire need of fresh blood.”

“Oh,” he added. “And, uh, it says here also postmarital affairs.”

Jones would not disclose which region the baby would be shipped to, though it’s widely believed it may be shared on a month by month basis between several economically hard hit North Island provinces.

“Oh, and prostitutes,” he clarified, to silence and bemused looks. “I just uhh… have been instructed to clarify they don’t fall under affairs.”

Prime Minister Ardern and Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters confirmed the plan at a Beehive press conference this afternoon, saying that Jones was “accurate” in his statements, and “not drunk this time.”

Ardern said the process of where exactly her first-born would be sent would “play itself out in time, I imagine,” but she and partner Clarke Gayford had been preparing the fetus by watching Country Calendar with it, and drinking “a lot of Tui.”

According to Peters, all workers in the selected region will receive six weeks of mandatory leave in order to spend time with the baby.

Ardern would still take maternity leave, and Peters would still take over as Acting Prime Minister during this period.

“Will Mr. Peters move into the ninth floor?” Ardern was asked.

“Oh, I think that would be an unnecessary inconvenience,” she laughed, turning to Peters.

“Not necessarily,” he replied.

Clarke Gayford will be allowed to accompany the baby to the regions, provided he throws out all his nice shirts and gets a first name.

*Shane Jones contacted us shortly after the publication of this story and wants to note that the coalition agreement doesn’t include already born children he is not currently aware of.

**Subsequently, the Prime Minister’s office has reached out to clarify that Jones may, in fact, have been drunk, but that he was nonetheless accurate in his statements.