As nation waits for baby, medical experts say it might just stay in there forever

Doctors say if the baby hasn't arrived at the end of the week, it probably won't.

Doctors say if the baby hasn’t arrived at the end of the week, it probably won’t.

Three days have passed since Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern was due to give birth to the greatest baby known to have ever been born in these parts, and as the hours drag on with no news, fears are beginning to emerge that it may never be born.

Medical experts contacted by media today say it is “not impossible” that the baby simply decides never to come out, and that it “may have no real reason to.”

“Typically, babies come out of the womb, at some juncture and in some fashion,” said Auckland obstetrician Lynda Batchelor. “But it’s certainly easy to see why they might not.”

Batchelor said the world was a “complicated” and “often depressing place”, and the inside of the womb was relatively “warm, safe, and food doesn’t cost any money.”

“No taxes or mean bosses, either,” she added.

“And no Mondays.”

Dr. Phillip Beattie, also an ostrichian, agreed, saying that the fact three days had passed since the due date did sugget the baby was showing “at least some signs of hesitation.”

“The baby knows when it’s due,” he said. “It can tell because of a tiny clock in the hypothalamus.

“So the fact it hasn’t come out yet suggests it feels the time is still not right, and perhaps no time will ever be right.”

Beattie said it would be “entirely possible” for Ardern to live with the baby “as is,” but that it would be “very uncomfortable” and become “increasingly difficult” as the baby grew older.

Sources close to Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters say he has grown increasingly nervous about this prospect.

Peters has long looked forward to his several-week stint as Acting Prime Minister, the end of a long dry spell lasting two decades.

But if the baby never comes, he may be left out in the cold.

Via a statement from his office yesterday, Peters announced that when he takes the reins of the country, he will be holding press conferences at the Beehive “regularly” and “often” and “routinely” and “always.”

A press conference will be held at the Prime Minister’s podium once every two hours on weekdays.

The first of each day will address major issues facing the country, while the subsequent seven press conferences will address arguments about the previous one.

Arguments are “strongly anticipated.”

In the statement, Peters’ office urged journalists to be “on time” and “come armed with the facts for once.”

“If you think you’re going to show up here with a pre-written story, and a bunch of trick questions, then by golly, you’ve got another thing coming.”

An early version of the statement – now retracted – appeared to be addressed solely to former Newshub political editor Lloyd Burr, who isn’t even in the country anymore.

Those close to Peters say he’ll be “crushed” if he doesn’t get to “live this out.”

He has reportedly sent a spring snake joke toy to the Prime Minister, in hopes of scaring the baby out.

One person not bothered by the length of time it’s taking Ardern’s baby to arrive is opposition leader Simon Bridges, who is pleased to have extra time to figure out what adorable thing he’s going to do on the television to divert attention.