National

Water Whirler doubles in value after beaning titanic douchemonger

Water Whirler doubles in value after beaning titanic douchemonger

The Wellington man who broke the Len Lye Water Whirler sculpture may be relieved today after a report revealed that his antics on the waterfront art piece have actually doubled its value, an increase largely attributed to the whirler’s violent crowning of its assailant. A panel of experts assessed the […]

Despite his name and appearance, Dave Scott insists he is just "a human" and not "some kind of proctorbot."

Proctor struggles to explain why he also took two cans of beans, a beer, 60 dollars, and a bath

Otago University proctor Dave Scott has landed himself in hot water this week after entering a student flat without permission and stealing three bongs. Scott, who has publicly apologised today and acknowledged he made a mistake, says he was just trying to protect the students from possible police action, and […]

One country's humanitarian tragedy is another country's happy miracle,

New Zealand celebrates separation of child from mother

An historic day, said the media. A happy day, said Acting Prime Minister Winston Peters. Fine day across the South, said Metservice. Though Peters later clarified he wasn’t talking about the baby, these are the sentiments that are ringing around the country this evening as New Zealand celebrates the separation […]

Journalists are being treated with snacks, WiFi, and reachable power outlets.

Hundreds of journalists rushed to hospital following major incident

Several hundred journalists are in Auckland Hospital today following a major incident in the city. The journalists were admitted to the hospital early this morning, wearing tags and barcodes to identify them, as staff were overwhelmed by their arrival. It as yet unclear what has happened, but one nurse spoken […]

The bees are reportedly “not calm, not calm at all.”

Due to nationwide shortage of buzzy bee toys, New Plymouth sends Prime Minister actual bees

Sort-of-but-not-technically-husband to the Prime Minister Clarke Gayford has confirmed that he and Jacinda Ardern have received a “lovely” gift to the tune of some 600 live bees from the town of New Plymouth. The bees were sent to the Prime Minister as a gift for the arrival of her baby, […]

PICTURED: Crude oil from Simon Bridges' scalp fills Wellington's harbour.

Oil from Simon Bridges’ hair causes horrific spill in Oriental Bay

A state of emergency has been declared in Wellington this morning, after a leak in the hairline of National Party leadership contender Simon Bridges resulted in a spillage of close to fifty tonnes of crude oil into Oriental Bay and the surrounding harbour region. Preliminary assessments have blamed the spill […]