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National

The sky is no place for the physically or mentally challenged, says Air New Zealand.

Air New Zealand bans disabled passengers from all flights

Air New Zealand has today announced a policy that will bar disabled passengers from being able to book tickets on both domestic and international flights, in order to help prevent future inconvenience to normal, human passengers. The decision follows an incident earlier this week on a flight from Auckland to […]

Meteorologists concerned about large offshore H

Meteorologists concerned about large offshore H

Meteorologists are expressing grave concerns for several of the country’s coastal towns this afternoon after the discovery of an enormous letter H just off the east coast of New Zealand. The H, which is estimated to be 300-400km in length and 200-300km in width, is moving rapidly to the northwest, […]

Duncan Garner smokes synthetic cannabis brand Juicy Puff, which he says has “absolutely nothing” to do with his fear of a global spider caliphate.

‘There are spiders everywhere,’ reports stoned Duncan Garner

Television host and RadioLIVE presenter Duncan Garner has filed an in-depth report for 3 News about spiders, which he says are “practically everywhere right now.” Garner, who has been smoking synthetic cannabis brand Juicy Puff to demonstrate the dangers of the product, burst into the TV3 newsroom yesterday with a […]

McDonald’s New Zealand managing director Patrick Wilson says he hopes to make the return of Georgie Pie as disappointing as possible.

New Zealanders eager to be disappointed by return of Georgie Pie

New Zealanders over the age of 20 are excited and anxious today after McDonald’s announced that it would be relaunching its previously defunct Georgie Pie brand, with many reporting that they simply can’t wait to experience an uncomfortable mixture of nostalgia and disappointment followed by the stinging sensation of regret. […]

The news media was relieved this morning to find that John Key had said something slightly off message about Wellington.

Media saved from end of bullshit news story by arrival of another

New Zealand’s media are breathing a sigh of relief this morning after a bullshit story with zero news value miraculously saved them from the end of another. Journalists, who were beginning to fear that they might have to cover real news, were anxious after this morning’s press conference with disgraced […]

No one attends dawn service

No one attends dawn service

In an awkward turn of events, almost no one has attended Anzac Day dawn services this morning after many felt that 5am was too early to wake up. Organisers across the country have reported that about “five or six people” turned up to ceremonies in Auckland, while “four-ish” turned up […]