English said he wasn’t suggesting people actively kill themselves, but perhaps “smoke” and “drink” more.

Government to shorten superannuation period by encouraging New Zealanders to live two years less long

In the latest of a steady flow of election year announcements, Prime Minister Bill English has confirmed today what had long been suspected; that his government will seek to shorten the superannuation period by two years, not by increasing the age, but by encouraging New Zealanders to die a little […]

The rope used to tie Jacinda Ardern to the political career of Andrew Little is reportedly “incredibly thick”, and if she begins to have second thoughts, conventional tools like scissors and garden shears “simply won’t work.”

Talented rising star finally presented with career-ending noose she always wanted

A young and talented rising star of the Labour Party has finally achieved her dreams today, being formally presented with the thankless burden of an institutional noose that will gradually tighten and surely end her career permanently. Jacinda Ardern was officially handed the noose by Labour leader Andrew Little earlier […]

Environment Minister Nick Smith says the country’s rivers will “almost universally” be swimmable by 2040, but urges New Zealander’s not to drink from them.

Government vows that by 2040, 90% of New Zealand’s rivers will be ‘vaguely liquid in nature’

The National Government has fronted up with a bold election year commitment today, with Environment Minister Nick Smith saying that new targets will see 90% of New Zealand’s rivers attain a vaguely liquid consistency by the year 2040, down from the current 95%. At a West Auckland press conference, Smith […]

Morgan says he doesn’t regret the stunt, but would perhaps make the glass a “tad less strong next time.”

Political stunt backfires: Gareth Morgan trapped in glass case for days after no one realises he’s missing

In a Waitangi Day political stunt that didn’t go quite to plan, Gareth Morgan has been trapped inside a glass case for the whole week, after nobody realised he was missing or went to find him. On Monday, Morgan intentionally enclosed himself in the case to promote his new Opportunities […]

English is said not to be introducing himself when answering the phone, timidly asking “Hello?” in an attempt to make sure of who it is.

Bill English coming dangerously close to a heart attack every time he answers the phone

There are growing concerns about the Prime Minister’s health today as staff report that his stress levels are reaching breaking point, and he appears visibly startled and frightened every time his phone rings. Bill English has been expecting an important phone call sometime this week, but there is a lack […]

English also declined to commit to a favourite colour, though emphasised he certainly does like colours, and would continue to use them.

English: up to ‘others to decide’ whether ethnic cleansing is wrong, but ‘certainly not the direction we plan to take’

Apparently Prime Minister Now Bill English has offered a strong rebuke of the notion of ethnic cleansing today, saying that while he could not himself weigh in on whether or not it would be wrong or even racist, his Government certainly “disagrees with it” and it “won’t be the direction […]