Sport

Steve Hansen assures public that All Blacks would ‘not normally’ have sex

Steve Hansen assures public that All Blacks would ‘not normally’ have sex

All Blacks coach and chronic depressive Steve Hansen has held a press conference this afternoon, following revelations that All Black Aaron Smith at very least made noises with a woman in a Christchurch Airport disabled toilet. While news media has yet to report on the disturbance in the disabled toilet […]

The Civilian's Olympic schedule will be updated daily, along with results from previous days.

Rio Olympic Schedule – August 21st

August 21st 4:20am: 200m run out of ideas.   August 20th 1:35am: First to the top of the giant Jesus. 2:40am: The 50m tall tale 3:40am: Condom balloon animals 6:20am: The ‘spelling the dejeenero bit’ spelling bee 7:00am: Best drink made out of only two limes, a tangelo, a pine […]

New Zealand wins Olympic medal for binge drinking

New Zealand wins Olympic medal for binge drinking

New Zealand has won its first gold medal at the Rio Olympics today, after securing first place in the gruelling binge drinking competition. The New Zealand Olympic binge drinking team, made up of the majority of the kiwi athletes in Rio, was found passed out in and around a sewerage […]

Chiefs saga highlights need for children to be better role models for impressionable rugby players

Chiefs saga highlights need for children to be better role models for impressionable rugby players

A series of highly inappropriate actions by players of the Chiefs rugby team earlier this week has highlighted the need for children, and society generally, to be better role models to young, highly impressionable and totally incapable adults such as rugby players, says the team’s CEO, Andrew Flexman. “Obviously, in […]

Ma’a Nonu and Jerome Kaino bring home a cup, which it turns we already have quite a few of, and it’s not even a very good one for drinking from.

Nation starting to realise that nothing happens after winning World Cup

As of this evening, New Zealanders are beginning to realise that nothing actually happens as a result of winning the Rugby World Cup. After an exciting and excruciating month of watching the All Blacks play to win their second successive title, the nation is just now beginning to feel collectively […]

Sky didn’t buy rights to Rugby World Cup playoffs; will just replay 2007 quarterfinal over and over

Sky didn’t buy rights to Rugby World Cup playoffs; will just replay 2007 quarterfinal over and over

New Zealand’s premier subscription TV network, Sky Television, has today confessed to not purchasing the broadcasting rights for this year’s playoff games of the Rugby World Cup, which will leave viewers unable to watch the All Blacks’ quarterfinal game against France this Sunday. Sky has apologised for the mix-up, which […]