New Zealanders have made it clear to Team Oracle that they didn’t win fairly, and even if they did, it wouldn’t matter, because yachting is a dumb sport that “no one likes anyway.”

‘We didn’t want that stupid cup anyway,’ says Dean Barker

The victorious crew of Oracle Team USA has been humiliated this morning at a post-match press conference after Emirates Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker told them that he was unfazed by losing the America’s Cup and they “can have it” because “we didn’t want it anyway” and “yacht racing […]

The one that got away: Team New Zealand make the split-second mistake of not tipping their boat on its head.

Dean Barker admits he should’ve capsized the boat when he had the chance

Emirates Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker has admitted that his crew made a crucial mistake in race eight of the America’s Cup last week when they did not allow their multi-hundred-million-dollar yacht to capsize in the San Francisco Bay, bringing a catastrophic end to both the competition and several […]

Some spectators are confused as to why the sailors don’t just use all their money to make an even nicer cup.

Remainder of America’s Cup races to be decided in court

Following further accusations of cheating by both teams in the competition, the International Sailing Federation (ISF) has announced today that the remaining 6-13 races of the America’s Cup will be determined not in the San Francisco Bay, but rather in court. Before the competition began last Saturday, cup defenders Oracle […]

In just under two weeks, two insular syndicates will move boats around floaties to inspire national pride in numbers of people.

Team New Zealand to contest America’s Cup with new boat design featuring motor

New Zealanders across the country celebrated yesterday as a group of rich men in boats successfully sailed around a series of obstacles to earn the right to sail around obstacles with another, more prestigious group of rich men. The prevailing group of rich men now have less than two weeks […]

Anger after State of Origin interrupts streaking

Anger after State of Origin interrupts streaking

Sydney stadium-goers remain angry today after a game of rugby league between the New South Wales Blues and the Queensland Maroons suddenly interrupted the streaking of a man who they had turned up to watch. The streaker, 33-year-old New Zealander Wati Holmwood, had successfully sold out the 84,000-seat ANZ Stadium […]

Cricket match occurs; no deaths reported

Cricket match occurs; no deaths reported

Following several days of running short distances, England has proven to be better than Australia at hitting a ball with an elongated paddle. “This proves once and for all that the English are best at hitting the ball, except for the times when we’ve not been the best at hitting […]