Labour leader David Shearer held a hastily-arranged press conference this afternoon to announce that he is resigning from his position, “so long as everyone is okay with that.”
Shearer, who is a troubled public speaker and has faced ongoing criticism that he lacks charisma, opened his press conference by appearing confused as to why he was there.
“Uhm, good afternoon, everyone,” he began, telling media that he hoped he hadn’t inconvenienced them and that he felt “really bad about this.”
“I am here before you to announce that, uhm, uh, uhm,” he continued, before proceeding to drop his notes all over the floor.
Shearer then bent over, hands outstretched, attempting to retrieve his papers, but fell over, and according to witnesses, only made it worse.
“Look, yeah, uh, okay,” he said, as he returned to the podium. “Where was I?”
Shearer said that now the Government had successfully passed the GCSB bill, his work as leader was done, and there was “nothing more” he could offer the National Party.
“After a period of intense reflection, I have decided – if everyone is alright with it – that I would like to step aside as Labour Leader,” he said. “If someone objects, you know, then, I won’t. I don’t really want an argument about it, but yeah, this job is terrible.”
Shearer said he regretted an earlier comment he’d made about his caucus being “really mean,” and that, in hindsight, it was “probably my fault.”
As of this hour, everyone is fine with it.