Disappointment: Six weeks on, Jacinda Ardern’s daughter Neve has achieved nothing

If the baby of a Prime Minister can't dress itself, what hope do the rest of us have?

If the baby of a Prime Minister can’t dress itself, what hope do the rest of us have?

As Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern returns to work this week, there are growing questions over what her having a baby was even for in the first place.

Six weeks on since the much-hyped birth of Ardern’s child, it appears to have done absolutely nothing for itself, the country, or the economy. Early indicators suggest that it may have even cost the country money, money which it has yet to pay back.

Opposition leader and rare breed of tightly wound poodle Simon Bridges laid some responsibility at the feet of the Prime Minister earlier today.

“Obviously Natalie and I, still very happy for Jacinda and Clarke, but I think New Zealanders at this point are wondering why we did any of this?” he said. “We spent a lot of time on it, a lot of energy, a lot of coverage, a lot of time in the hospital, that costs the taxpayer obviously, and she spent six weeks personally on the project, and I think at some point, kiwis were expecting that we would actually see something out of it.”

Bridges acknowledged that none of his three children had done anything to benefit the country, but said it wasn’t his job to benefit the country.

“I’m more of a bystander, on a corner,” said Bridges. “I kind of stand there and say ‘Hey, don’t do that’ or ‘Hey, you’re about to rear-end that person,’ except I don’t say it too loudly, because I actually kind of want them to.”

The Prime Minister has spent her first day back on the job defending the baby in candid interviews with Alison Mau, Tova O’Brien and others.

“Has Neve achieved anything? Oh, absolutely,” she told Mau, emphatically. “Absolutely. I absolutely refuse to accept that my daughter has been anything but an achievement for all sorts of reasons, including – but not limited to – newspaper sales.”

Ardern said it was obviously “comical” and “ridiculous” that anyone would expect Neve to have achieved anything personally or professionally at this stage in her life, because she’s “an Aucklander.”

One man, who wished not to be identified, said he was “especially annoyed” by how “utterly useless” the child has turned out to be.

“Every day is hell,” he said. “It can’t do anything for itself. It can’t make dinner. It can’t mow the lawn. It can’t turn on the TV. Worse: it can’t turn off the TV. Yesterday, it vomited on me. I’ve grown a beard because I honestly have no time to shave.”

Despite her dismissal of the criticism, Ardern appeared to cave to political pressure today, telling media that baby Neve would be accompanying her on her upcoming trip to the United Nations, possibly to provide her with an opportunity to finally do something.