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Entire caucus continues to follow Judith Collins everywhere as she struggles to undo mind control spell

The effects dark magic cast on Collins' MPs has gotten so out of control that she's beginning to fear it's the work of someone else.

The effects dark magic cast on Collins’ MPs has gotten so out of control that she’s beginning to fear it’s the work of someone else.

When Judith Collins was finally elected leader of the New Zealand National Party last night, it was accompanied by a moving show of unity, as every single MP from her caucus marched in lockstep and stood at her side as she delivered her first address as Leader of the Opposition.

It was a poignant scene, as the hulking wave of MPs moved in unison from their caucus room down to Parliament’s Legislative Council Chamber, where they packed in tight around their latest attempt.

But last night’s commanding show of strength has turned into today’s nightmare, as Collins has reportedly found herself unable to undo the incantation that allowed her to entrance the caucus in a loyalty hive mind in the first place.

The first signs of trouble came last night when Collins attempted to go home in a crown car. As she tried to say farewell to her MPs at the bottom of the steps of Parliament, they simply continued smiling and clapping for her, showing no initiative to go their own ways. When Collins got into the car, the 52 MPs began attempting to crowd into it themselves, climbing on top of one another, and laying across both Collins and the driver.

“There must have been, I don’t know, 14 of them in the car,” said one witness curiously not under Collins’ spell, “just stacked up like, I don’t want to say sardines, everyone says sardines, but maybe something like sausages, or a delicious pile of cheese rolls, but without the butter on top, of course.

“I was just trying to get a taxi man, or a taxi woman myself, but uh, yeah, I see all of them just piling into this car, and after there were 14 or 15 in there, the driver attempted to drive off, but that just meant you had MPs getting hit by car doors, two of them got run over, limbs dragged, heads dragged, just a real mess, honestly, really glad I’m not a part of it anymore.”

When the car managed to finally make its way onto Bowen Street, those MPs not in, on top of, or otherwise attached to the vehicle began running after it at speed.

Collins was accompanied all the way to her Wellington home, where a total of 52 MPs – and one unfortunate staffer – aggressively pushed their way into her bedroom, and as she slept, all lay stacked upon one another across her floor.

But the real problems began this morning, when the caucus accompanied her to two television breakfast interviews, and could even be heard applauding and complimenting her in the background as she appeared on Radio New Zealand’s Morning Report.

“Is that… is there someone with you?” asked co-host Corin Dann.

“No, no, just some friends, we meet early,” Collins deflected.

But the crowd of politicians was far harder to conceal when she appeared on Three’s The AM Show with Duncan Garner, who pressed her repeatedly on why she was surrounded to the point of not even being visible on camera.

“Obviously you’ve got your whole caucus here with you,” he said. “That’s nice, you had them last night, you’ve got them here this morning, but we can’t see you, Judith, I mean, look, is there something going on here?”

“Of course not, Duncan,” came her voice from beneath the Caucasian sea. “We’re a united caucus, we’re good friends, all of us, we get on very well, we work very well together, and we enjoy each other’s company. What’s wrong with that?”

“Have you been employing the gifts afforded to you by cumulative years of human sacrifice in the name of the demon-god Baal?” asked Garner.

“No!” she interjected.

“Be honest with me Judith, have you? Because this looks a lot like that time you put that thing inside Jami-Lee’s stomach and he exploded all over our set.”

“You have to get over that, Duncan. It was a long time ago.”

“Wasn’t that long ago,” interjected co-host Mark Richardson.

“No, it wasn’t,” added Garner, “and it takes a long time to wash that stuff out of the chairs, they’re still not clean. [US Ambassador] Scott Brown was here and he turned into a gnome. Now he can’t get on a plane.”

Collins said that while it was unfortunate Mr. Brown was now a gnome, that incident was in the past, and she denied having used dark magic for at least a month.

“You’re just not used to seeing unity, Duncan.”

Privately, those close to Collins (an estimated 53 people) say she is panicking about the situation, and has been blindsided as the effects of her incantation start to drift further and further from what they were supposed to be.

We spoke to demonologist Nigel Latta, who said there was really only one way Collins could now undo the spell.

“This particular spell could really have only been cast with the body part of one animal, and she’ll need that body part if she’s to have any chance of reversing it,” he said. “In this case, she’ll need a yak’s hoof.”