‘Everything is fixed,’ says Key

Key says that National’s 2014 election advertising will take a relaxed tone and have a “fairly straightforward” message.

Key says that National’s 2014 election advertising will take a relaxed tone and have a “fairly straightforward” message.

Responding to the newly-announced housing policy of his rival David Shearer, Prime Minister John Key told media this morning that there was no need for a policy like that, because everything in New Zealand is “fixed,” and now that his Government has passed a bill restructuring the powers of the GCSB, there is nothing more left to do.

“Our work here is done,” declared Key at a scheduled press conference this morning. “After five years of a strong, focused National Government, we are proud to announce that we have finally fixed New Zealand.

“Crime is down. A bit. Unemployment is down. A bit. Growth is up. Somewhat. Poverty is about where it used to be. These are all things that we can be proud of, or not worry about because it’s Tuesday, and to be honest, we all have day jobs.”

Asked if the Government would be proposing any more legislation or engaging in any more initiatives, Key replied “No.”

“I think most New Zealanders would agree that we’re pretty happy with where we’re at,” he said.

Key pointed to research that showed that happiness was usually only 5-10% dependent on circumstances, and that it had a lot more to do with your state of mind.

“Maybe instead of focusing on all the bad things, we could all sit down at the end of the day and say ‘Look, what are ten things I’m really grateful for?’” he said. “I think that would make us all a lot happier than anything I can do.”

Asked what would now happen with the Christchurch rebuild and the troubled Novopay teacher payment system, Key said that, given time, those things would “sort themselves out.”

Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei said it was “ridiculous” for the Prime Minister to suggest that everything was fine in New Zealand when kids across the country are still not being fed in schools, Aucklanders still face major traffic congestion, and Aaron Gilmore is still a citizen. But after being pressed further on the issue, Turei admitted that her life was “pretty comfortable” and “nothing’s ever perfect, I guess.”

Labour leader David Shearer could not be reached for comment, as his phone was repeatedly answered by backbench MP David Cunliffe.

The Prime Minister says that he’ll be retiring to his Parnell home in the coming days, and has requested the resignation of all his ministers, who he congratulated on “a job well done.”