Farmers blame absence of Bill English for failure to summon Cow God

Farmers were deeply disappointed when an incantation meant to summon the Cow God instead summoned Winston Peters.

Farmers were deeply disappointed when an incantation meant to summon the Cow God instead summoned Winston Peters.

Dairy farmers have spent the better part of today blaming Prime Minister Bill English for their failure to summon the Cow God beneath the Morrinsville Mega Cow at a protest yesterday.

Farmers assembled beneath the cow and chanted “Delivering for New Zealanders” in hopes of summoning the God of all cows, who is prophesied by Country Calendar to arrive in farmers’ time of need, to stop a two cent charge on every thousand litres of water being introduced by a Labour Government.

But the Cow God failed to materialise, as the protestors instead accidentally summoned Winston Peters. This was met with great disappointment, booing, and jeering.

“This is not a political rally,” began Winston as he was summoned beneath the Mega Cow.

“YES IT IS!” screamed one farmer, holding a two ticks blue sign.

“Fuck off!” yelled another.

Armed with a megaphone, Winston continued speaking, attempting to laugh off the dissent as one of his candidates was mowed down by a tractor.

Organiser Lloyd Downing blamed the failure to summon the Cow God on the absence of Prime Minister Bill English, who was one of the three relics required to wake the milkiest one from her otherwise eternal slumber.

“I’ll tell you what, mate,” he said. “The way it’s foretold is, you need three things to summon her, the almighty Cow God: Myrtle the tractor, a sexist sign about a Labour leader, and Bill English. Preferably the last holding the second while riding the first, but I’m told the details don’t matter all that much.

“Which is why I thought we might have a shot even without him. We had two out of three. But no, turns out if you just have the sign and the tractor, you summon Winston Peters instead.”

Downing said he believed just the tractor and Bill English would summon the ghost of Barry Crump, while just the sign and Bill English would summon Don Brash. Only all three would summon the Cow God.

“We’re frankly disappointed he didn’t show,” he said. “It was quite successful the last time.”

The Cow God has only been successfully summoned once before, in 2003, when Bill English held up a sexist sign about a Labour leader while riding Myrtle the tractor outside Parliament.

The Cow God enslaved the human populace, clipped their ears and milked them for five years until they agreed to elect John Key.