For first year on record, New Zealand weather more miserable than New Zealand humans

And it’s probably our fault, say weatherologists.

And it’s probably our fault, say weatherologists.

In a report to be issued on Friday, New Zealand’s national forecaster is set to announce that for the first year on record, the country’s weather is well on track to being even more miserable than its humans.

“What we’re seeing is quite extraordinary, actually,” said MetService meteorologist Lisa Murray. “We’ve reached the end of summer, a couple of months into autumn now, going on winter shortly, and you’d be really hard pressed to say we’ve had a summer at all.

“The weather has been the most miserable we’ve seen in a very, very long time, and this is the first time it’s been even more miserable than we are.”

MetService measures the miserableness of the weather with their in-house clown, Roy, who looks out the window and responds with various facial expressions. These expressions are then measured and converted into points of SAD, which is an acronym for Simple Acronym Device.

This year, Roy’s facial expressions have been at their most miserable since he began working there in 1973.

So miserable, in fact, they racked up more points of SAD than the country as a whole, whose own unhappiness is measured by a multitude of variables, including alcohol consumption, average number of channels changed before settling, and time spent refreshing the MetService homepage.

“It’s really quite difficult to be more miserable than we are as a population,” said Murray. “But, lo and behold, this year, the weather’s done it.”

“It’s actually especially hard because the more miserable the weather gets, that drags us down as well,” she added.

Asked whether it was possible this year’s measurements were a result of us getting happier, Murray replied “God, no. Certainly not.”

“There is a silver lining to this kind of weather, though,” she said. “For once, when you’re stuck inside at work, mulling on your regrets and pondering what on earth you’re doing with your life, you can look outside, and be assured that out there, things are even worse.”

MetService also says the weather has conclusively disproved global warming, as it rained and was cold at a point.