Gareth Morgan promises a TOP coalition would raise Jacinda Ardern’s kids for her

A Gareth Morgan is a sort of polite harbinger of death that many believe heralds the end times.

A Gareth Morgan is a sort of polite harbinger of death that many believe heralds the end times.

In a bold campaign move this evening, Gareth Morgan has offered a helping hand to Jacinda Ardern, saying he’ll settle the question of her having children while Prime Minister once and for all.

The Opportunities Party leader says that any Labour-led coalition that includes his party will benefit from Morgan and his deputy leader Geoff Simmons personally taking care of any children Ardern might have.

“Yep, we’ll raise them,” said Morgan, at a hastily arranged press conference in his garage. “Straight from the womb. We’ve got a couple women on our list who could be surrogate mothers, too, if she likes. No time off required. We’ll just handle it all.”

“I always pride myself in thinking about the future,” he added, “and this is one of those issues that I think kiwis know we’re going to have to address, sooner or later, so why not just nip it in the bud now?”

Morgan said any coalition his party was part of would be negotiated on the condition of the establishment of a “Ministry for Jacinda Ardern’s Children.”

The Ministry would spend time raising the children, providing them with a universal basic income, and would make sure they had a full understanding of TOP’s tax policy by age 45.

All this, Morgan said, while “mummy gets to go to work.”

Simmons wanted to note that he and Morgan were so “future focused” they had already considered what the children’s names might be.

“We’re thinking Gareth Junior,” he said. “Or, for a girl, Garethrella.”

Morgan did not feel that any of this was condescending, as it was more about him being “a pointy-head who has all the ideas.”

“Look, I’m an ideas guy,” he said. “I’m the one who has ideas, so I just thought she might need some help with that.”

He added that he was actually a “great parent” because “my son made TradeMe.”

In related news, former Conservative Party leader Colin Craig has joined the group of male commentators wanting to know about Ardern’s baby plans, saying he’s specifically interested in whether she’ll have children “out of wedlock,” and if so, to please describe it in great detail.