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Gilmore: ‘I am dead’

The story of Aaron Gilmore ended this afternoon in precisely the same dignified manner it began.

The story of Aaron Gilmore ended this afternoon in precisely the same dignified manner it began.

Outgoing National MP Aaron Gilmore has used his final speech in Parliament this afternoon to assert that he is dead, and that his presence in the House was not of the natural world, but rather the visitation of a ghostly apparition who had returned to haunt those who brought about his downfall.

Gilmore recounted how, following the media frenzy that engulfed him, he endured the five stages of grief often associated with impending death.

“As I was betrayed by my friends and persecuted by the media,” said Gilmore, “I experienced the five agonizing stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And then I died.”

Members of the House sat silently, scratching their thighs and playing on their cell phones, as the list MP made his closing remarks. He said he did not want to resign, but that he felt he had to after he died.

“I do not feel it is appropriate for a deceased member of the House to retain his position,” he said. “Indeed, I seek to follow in the great footsteps of the late Parekura Horomia, who graciously resigned his seat following his untimely death.”

After his speech, Gilmore sought leave to table a large number of documents, including his lifetime history of text messages, numerous pictures of him with John Key, and his dog Elvis.

He was informed by House Speaker David Carter that members may not table animals.

Then, to the bewilderment of Carter and other MPs, Gilmore climbed over several of his colleagues to get to the door, whereupon he left the chamber.

He was never seen or heard from again.