Government to ban vodka in desperate attempt to look like it’s doing something about Russia

Peters has repeatedly asked staff to investigate whether there are any Russian cigars.

Peters has repeatedly asked staff to investigate whether there are any Russian cigars.

Foreign Minister Winston Peters has held a press conference on very short notice this afternoon, to announce that the government will be seeking a blanket ban on vodka and related products.

The move is a transparent attempt to make the government look like it’s doing something about Russia, in the face of growing calls for it to act with the international community in response to a nerve agent attack in the United Kingdom.

Despite not having any ministerial authority in the area, Peters said the law would seek to ban all vodka products, beginning “immediately.”

“The fun is over,” announced Peters, dramatically, before stopping, to a prolonged silence.

“Are you going to say anymore?” asked Newshub political editor Lloyd Burr.

“Now listen here, sunshine,” said Peters, “I am not going to kowtow to the wishes of a media cabal that has no interest in hearing the facts. If you think I’m going to say anymore, then you’ve got another thing coming.”

The press conference was brought to a close, but a statement from the Deputy Prime Minister’s office was released an hour later, instructing all liquor retailers to pre-emptively halt the sale of vodka, and ship any bottles to the Foreign Minister’s office for “storage” and “testing.”

Retailers were also encouraged to ship bottles of whisky with the vodka, in order to provide “a control group.”

Asked for comment, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said she knew “nothing” of Peters’ plan to ban vodka.

“That would not be his area of ministerial responsibility,” she nodded.

Asked if Peters’ declaration was government policy, she replied “It might be. I would have to gather the relevant information.”

“So do you have any idea what your minister is doing?” she was asked.

“As I said, I would have to gather the relevant information.”

“Do you have any control over any of your ministers at this point?”

“I would have to gather the relevant information.”

But even talk of a ban appears to have worked, at least initially, with all diplomats from the Russian embassy in Karori deporting themselves in response to the news.