Hamilton to replace fluoride with Powerade

Mayor Julie Hardaker has reassured Hamiltonians that “nothing could possibly go wrong” with the addition of Powerade to the water supply.

Mayor Julie Hardaker has reassured Hamiltonians that “nothing could possibly go wrong” with the addition of Powerade to the water supply.

The Hamilton City Council has resolved to replace the fluoride in its water supply with the blue “Mountain Blast” variety of sports drink Powerade.

“This is the start of a more energetic Hamilton,” said Mayor Julie Hardaker this morning, before awkwardly raising one fist in the air.

Hardaker said that the Council had listened carefully to concerns from health professionals about the planned fluoride removal, and after extensive research decided that Powerade was the most appropriate replacement.

“We spent many countless minutes consulting the Powerade website,” she explained, “which has a section about why Powerade can be more beneficial than water. It has references and everything.”

Asked why the sports drink was chosen over other energy drinks such as V or Red Bull, Hardaker said “Electrolytes.”

Asked for further detail, she elaborated “It has them. Lots of them.”

“Also, the All Blacks drink it,” added Deputy Mayor Gordon Chesterman, leaning into the microphone.

“Yes, the All Blacks,” said Hardaker.

The pair made sure to emphasise that the city’s new water supply would allow Hamilton residents to “go harder for longer” and “get more go.”

Hardaker said she expected that people would notice very little difference between fluoride and Powerade.

“They’re very similar,” she said. “Three out of four doctors agree they have the same number of syllables.”

She went on to reassure residents that there was no available evidence to suggest that there was anything dangerous about distributing Powerade in a major water supply, adding that Chesterman had “Googled it several times” and “found nothing.”

The move has been met with widespread approval from Hamilton residents, who are looking forward to something actually happening in their town.

“This might just be the best day in all Hamilton’s history,” said local roofer Sam Henley. “At least since the return of Georgie Pie.”

In honour of the development, Henley and his partner were planning on naming their forthcoming eighth child “Mountain Blast”.

Documents released to the media have revealed that the Council originally planned to use the red “Berry Ice” flavour for most of the week, with the blue variety introduced only on Saturday and Sunday mornings for its well-known hangover-battling properties.

However, after further investigation revealed that Hamilton was hungover “on many more days than Saturday and Sunday,” the blue flavour was adopted as a more permanent solution.

Meanwhile, in Invercargill, Mayor Tim Shadbolt has announced plans to add crude oil to the water supply, in hopes that they’ll “all get sick and die,” so he can “finally leave this place.”