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Japan fails to see through New Year’s resolution to tackle whaling habit

Amongst those most disappointed by Japan’s failure are the whales.

Amongst those most disappointed by Japan’s failure are the whales.

After a Japanese fishing vessel was yesterday discovered in the oceans south of New Zealand, Japan has been forced to formally acknowledge that it has succumbed to “intense emotional pressure,” and broken its New Year’s resolution of not whaling anymore.

Japan made the resolution – along with other resolutions to not play human Tetris on television, or make so much weird, animated porn – at the end of last year, saying that 2013 had been “a write-off”, that it was very sorry for the drunken and vaguely sexual behaviour it displayed towards China, and that this year, we were all going to see “a new Japan.”

But today, following the release of footage that the Japanese Government described as “certainly looks bad, doesn’t it?”, Japanese Foreign Minister Fumio Kishida was forced to concede that his country had, indeed, “had a little bit of whaling,” and had deliberately chosen the distant waters beyond New Zealand in hopes that “nobody would see.”

“This is deeply embarrassing for our government, and for our people,” wrote Kishida in a statement that contained an unusual number of strange, squiggly lines. “We meant what we said at the New Year’s party at Uncle Peter’s house, and to find that we have succumbed to our inner demons of desire is as disappointing to us as it must be to you.”

Asked whether it intended to cease whaling from now on, the Japanese Foreign Ministry responded “No.”

New Zealand Foreign Minister Murray McCully condemned Japan’s actions, saying that their failure to change was “disheartening,” but did express sympathy, acknowledging that New Year’s resolutions are “extremely difficult.”

“Japan appears to have kept its New Year’s resolution for a total of six days,” said McCully, “which, actually, if our friends and family are any measure to go by, is really pretty good.”

A survey of New Zealanders’ New Year’s resolutions has shown that the most popular resolution this year was to “smoke and drink only a little bit more than last year.”

67% of the survey’s respondents have reported already giving up.