John Key makes shock decision to resign in middle of the day, rather than at the end of the day

The Prime Minister did take questions from the press pool, so long as they were about fishing, rugby, and his Viagra usage.

Prime Minister John Key has shocked the entire nation today, by ending his political career at a time of the day he is deeply unfamiliar with.

Key, who normally likes things to become elucidated at the end of the day, took the unusual step of making everything fairly clear in the middle of the day, which he is relatively inexperienced with.

New Zealanders were shocked by the timing, with the announcement coming just after lunch, which for most people is the middle of the day, and is only the end of the day for Radio New Zealand listeners, who are at that time being tucked into bed by their carers.

In his final press conference as Prime Minister, he acknowledged the bizarre break from protocol.

“Oh, well, look, I think most New Zealanders would agree that at the end of the day, I made a decision,” he said, “and I made that decision at the end of the day, on a different day, and at the end of that day, I decided that today, before the end of the day, I would, at the end of the day, on a different day altogether, resign.”

“Oh, well, look, you know, if you like,” he added. “So, yeah, pretty much.”

Key said he had been “immensely privileged” to serve as Prime Minister of New Zealand for eight years, during which time he had experienced “a great deal.”

“I certainly think most New Zealanders, if you asked them, would agree that I’ve been Prime Minister for eight years, and during that time, we’ve done some things,” he said. “I think they’d agree that when you’re in government, you do some things, and some of those things work, if you like, and some things don’t work overly well, and you have some ministers, and that’s just kind of how it goes, fairly standard stuff really.”

He felt his resignation wasn’t “an overly big deal or anything.”

Asked what kind of legacy he felt he’d left, Key replied “Yeah.”

The decision to resign was a difficult one, he explained, but at the middle of the day, he didn’t think he could go another three years having to look at Patrick Gower’s face.

“So I’m happy to say, this will be the last time,” he said.

In his statements, the Prime Minister backed Deputy Prime Minister and Finance Minister Bill English to take over from him, saying that he was “ideal” for the job, because he already had all the door keys for the Beehive’s ninth floor.

“I just think Bill’s got all the keys, really,” he said. “It’d be a real pain to have to transfer them over to someone else, so in that case, I think it should be Bill.”

Tributes to John Key are already flooding in from MPs on both sides of politics, as well as from all around the world.

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters paid tribute to the Prime Minister this afternoon, calling him a “spineless coward” and a “whimp.”

On Twitter, Labour leader Andrew Little thanked John Key for decimating his party so badly that they were desperate enough to let him lead it, and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull praised Key’s ability to serve a whole term as New Zealand’s leader.

“I think most Australians would agree with me today that serving one whole term is a remarkable achievement,” he said.

Key finished his press conference smiling and joking, saying “not overly”, as he slowly faded from reality as the bizarre figment of our imaginations he always was.