Judith Collins loses all control of host body

There are fears in Collins' camp that the real Jami-Lee Ross may be regaining control of his mind.

There are fears in Collins’ camp that the real Jami-Lee Ross may be regaining control of his mind.

National MP Judith Collins is said to be panicking after her mind lost all control of one of its host bodies in the late hours of this morning.

The body, apparently accelerating its programming by several years, went on a 50-minute press conference rampage, accusing leader Simon Bridges of everything from election finance fraud to fabricating claims of sexual harassment.

In the most extraordinary press conference in recent New Zealand political history, the body – which once belonged to Botany MP Jami-Lee Ross – took a blowtorch to the leadership of the National Party, who simultaneously voted to expel him.

“Simon Bridges is a big bad, not even smart, not even good, not even going to be Prime Minister kind of a guy,” read Ross’ body from a pre-prepared statement. “He is selfish, dishonest, a bully, rude, possibly a cannibal, and worse, a jerk.”

He claimed that Bridges had committed “significant crimes” and attempted to fabricate sexual harassment claims against him, even going so far as to hire real women to be involuntarily harrassed by him.

Ross’ body is part of the Judith Collins Drone MP Programme, a project to utilise the formerly free minds of National Party MPs to exact her will upon her enemies.

Sources close to Collins say that while the body was broadly following its long-term commands, it was carrying them out “much too quickly.”

“We’re talking about roughly two years of operations being carried out in the space of an hour,” said one confidant. “These things were supposed to be methodically planted, carefully weaved into the fabric of caucus’ consciousness, little bits leaked here and there. But this morning was a disaster. He just went and read every last bit of it out to the media. There hasn’t even been time to plant evidence for some of this stuff.”

This isn’t the first time that one of Collins’ host bodies has gone rogue – early prototypes of the programme, Aaron Gilmore and Todd Barclay, also backfired in public – but neither of those incidents were anywhere near as destructive as this one is proving to be, and it may be just the beginning.

Ross’ body continues to level accusations from his Twitter account, blaming Simon Bridges for the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, trapping 12 Thai boys in a cave for several weeks, and The Spinoff TV.

He also said Bridges knows he isn’t the one who leaked his expense details in August because “he’s the leak.”

Bridges has vehemently denied all the claims levelled against him, except the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, which he said he was “pretty sure” about, but would “have to check my diary.”

The National leader continually emphasized the unanimous support of his caucus, multi-tasking as he frantically checked his phone while talking to journalists.

“55 MPs have today said they stand by me as leader, hold on, just, let me,” he trailed off, while replying to a text. “54 MPs have today said they stand by me as leader, and believe I am the best chance we have of…”

His phone went again.

“Sorry, the best chance we have of taking this party to victory in 2020. And as I’ve had the chance to hear from all 53 of them today, they all support me. So I repeat, I have the full, unequivocal support of 52 MPs, 51 National MPs.

“Jami has decided to take the path he’s taken today, he’s going to be held responsible for that, but for the rest of us, we’re moving a forward as a united caucus of 50 MPs.”

Judith Collins, meanwhile, has been trying desperately to regain control of Ross, and posted a series of bizarre tweets that may be attempts to activate his kill switch.

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Two other MPs that are part of the Collins Drone MP Programme, Simeon Brown and Chris Penk, have been recalled until the cause of Ross’ unravelling has been isolated.

Despite Collins’ efforts, Ross is still alive, and in the last hour, put out a press release saying he had “forgot some stuff,” and is planning another press conference in 20 minutes.