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Kate Middleton not pregnant; just really fat

International media have been disappointed to learn that the expected baby of Prince William and Kate Middleton has turned out to be nothing more than stomach fat.

International media have been disappointed to learn that the expected baby of Prince William and Kate Middleton has turned out to be nothing more than stomach fat.

The entire Commonwealth is experiencing disappointment today after the Duchess of Cambridge and wife of Prince William, Kate Middleton, revealed that, for the past six months, she has not been pregnant, but just really, really fat.

In a statement released this afternoon, Middleton confessed that her widely reported baby bump was actually nothing more than the result of too much gateaux, and that there would no longer be a royal baby on the way.

Middleton said she felt it was “about time” to come clean on the matter, just days before the child was expected to arrive. She expressed remorse at having waited so long to inform the public, but said that she had played along the past half-a-year because she “didn’t want to disappoint anybody.”

“Obviously now I have, and you really have to wonder how much further I could realistically have taken this,” read the statement.

Speaking outside his residence in Wales today, Prince William confirmed that there was no baby, and said there wouldn’t be a real pregnancy in the immediate future either. When asked why this was, William said he was no longer interested in having sex with Kate because she is “just so fat.”

“Women look a lot different when they’re naked, don’t they?” he added.

William went on to explain that the couple “didn’t really want to have kids, anyway,” and that if they were ever in need of an heir, they could always “adopt a kid from Africa or something.”

The announcement has caused particular disappointment to two winners of a Women’s Weekly competition, who had been given the privilege of watching the royal baby’s birth in person. As compensation for loss of their prize, the magazine has offered both winners an all-day free pass to a hospital of their choosing, where they can watch as many non-royal births as they would like.

The female winner of the competition, Julia Kelly, said she was “satisfied” with the alternative prize, while male winner Roger Gray said it wouldn’t really be the same, as he was more or less just interested in seeing Kate’s vagina.

In New Zealand, Auckland’s Sky Tower – which was set to be lit up pink if the child was a girl, and blue if it were a boy – was illuminated red this afternoon to indicate that something had gone horribly wrong. This initially caused panic as city-goers believed the colour to mean that the baby was ugly, but were relieved to find out that it only meant it didn’t exist.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister John Key was left wondering what to do with the sixteen boxes of Huggies nappies he’d purchased as an official gift for the royal baby.