Key to confiscate nation’s phones for bad behaviour

If you play the game of phones, you either win or you lose your phone.

If you play the game of phones, you either win or you lose your phone.

Prime Minister John Key has told the nation this afternoon that he will be confiscating all of our phones after we failed to behave with them over the past several months.

Key had warned the nation late last year that he was concerned about the way in which New Zealanders were using their phones, and told them that if they didn’t clean up their act soon, he would take them away.

Until recently, it was widely believed that the Prime Minister’s threat was an idle one made out of frustration and anger. But Key proved he was serious about the punishment today when he began walking door to door in central Wellington demanding residents give up their primary means of communication.

“No, no, and the landline,” said Key to 23-year-old student Julie Smith, making clear to her that she wasn’t going to get away with just giving him her cell phone.

“This is totally unfair,” complained Smith as she dragged her home phone out of the wall and into the Prime Minister’s hands.

Before Key left to visit the next house, he warned Smith that her phone conversation with a man she’d met on the internet was “dangerous,” and that she should be more careful when talking to strangers.

Today’s move comes after months of the Prime Minister using parental monitoring software, such as the GCSB, to make sure that people were using their phones responsibly. Recently, however, he has felt that New Zealanders are just complaining about the software and cynically trying to find ways to get around it.

Key told media this morning that talking to strangers without an adult’s permission was just one of many reasons that New Zealand had been misbehaving lately. He said that kiwis had been using their phones to look at porn, pretend to be sick to their employers, and spend in excess of $20 on X Factor voting.

He added that some New Zealanders felt they had been bullied with the use of technology.

Asked who those New Zealanders were, he refused to be specific, saying only “some Prime Ministers.”

Before going door-to-door this afternoon, Key visited the headquarters of Fairfax Media, telling them their reporters had been “especially naughty,” and that if they weren’t careful, they might lose their internet privileges as well.

He said the nation would get its phones back after “at least a week” of good behaviour, and only on the condition of a sincere apology.

Deputy Prime Minister and Finance Minister Bill English would be allowed to keep his phone, because he is “my friend and a cool guy.”