Kid on swing embodies Kiwi dream by going back and forth and never getting anywhere

Charlie O'Brien, 16, has single-handedly destroyed the SEO value of every other Charlie O'Brien in New Zealand.

Charlie O’Brien, 16, has single-handedly destroyed the SEO value of every other Charlie O’Brien in New Zealand.

Some fucking kid has sat on a swing for 32 hours and inspired hope in a nation otherwise desperate for a hero.

Hate runs rampant, political consensus seems unachievable, and it’s next to impossible to get a Buzz Bar, but New Zealanders today are heartened to know that some fucking kid has wasted more time on a swing than anyone has ever wasted before.

Charlie O’Brien, a 16-year-old little shit from the Hawkes Bay, thought it would be funny if he hopped on a swing and stayed on there for a very long time.

New Zealanders are loving it.

“Charlie represents everything that we hold dear about our plucky little nation,” said Acting Napier Mayor Faye White. “He embodies our spirit, the way he just goes back and forth, back and forth, but never really goes anywhere or achieves anything, much like all of us.”

Locals couldn’t agree more.

“I’ve spent my whole fuckin’ life doing that,” said Gavin Gibbs, 78. “This little shit gets on a swing, does the same fucking thing, and suddenly he’s all over my television set 24/7? Bloody good on him.”

Gibbs stressed that O’Brien really was on his television 24/7, as it had frozen during a Seven Sharp item about the smug little bastard.

Gibbs was interested in reaching out to anyone who could fix his TV.

The Prime Minister visited the site of Charlie’s attempt today, congratulating him on his pioneering spirit.

He told her he’d like to be Prime Minister one day, and she assured him he had “exactly the skill set.”

O’Brien was also praised by opposition leader Simon Bridges, who was particularly impressed by the boy’s ability to stay in one seat for an unnecessary period of time until somebody else inevitably came and sat in it.

Charlie intended to stay on the swing for 40 hours, a full working week, but in true kiwi spirit, bailed out at 33 hours and 11 minutes.