Lianne Dalziel uncovers evidence of major event in recent Christchurch history

Lianne Dalziel will be making a bid for the Christchurch mayoralty so she can uncover the truth of what happened there some years ago.

Lianne Dalziel will be making a bid for the Christchurch mayoralty so she can uncover the truth of what happened there some years ago.

Labour MP for Christchurch East Lianne Dalziel has confirmed this morning that she has evidence to suggest that a “major, catastrophic event” occurred sometime in the city’s recent history.

Dalziel says that after hours and hours of talking to people, surveying land and observing recent building trends, she has come to the “firm conclusion” that something “tremendous” took place in a time period not too far removed from the present day.

“I can only imagine what kind of catastrophe this must have been,” said Dalziel. “For those who were living back then, it would have been horrendous.”

Observers of the MP have had wind of this announcement for some time, and say that no one is in the slightest surprised by it.

“Lianne’s been sitting on this for quite a while,” said former Mayor Garry Moore. “She just confirmed today what we’ve all become quite aware of. I mean, I think it’s been fairly obvious to any of us following her work that we’ve stumbled on something truly enormous, here.”

Dalziel says that she’ll be making a bid for the Christchurch mayoralty later this year so that she can best mobilize the city’s resources to “get to the bottom of exactly what happened.”

Meanwhile, Dalziel’s opponent and current Mayor Bob Parker is playing down her discoveries, saying they’re overblown and that it’s quite likely nothing happened at all.

“We always asked people, we asked them, you know, be sure to check on your friends, your neighbours,” said Parker. “But what we didn’t warn people was that sometimes your neighbours and your friends will say things that are a little bit whacky. We certainly can’t be sure of what happened one year ago, let alone two years ago.

“But we’re not focused on that. That’s what they want to do. They want to get angry, and curious, and have an inquiry. We just want to get on with the hard work of making this planet habitable for our reptilian overlords.”

Parker encouraged the people of Christchurch to marry and reproduce “for the glory of the empire.”