Nation struggles to masturbate to Len Brown affair

Aucklanders surveyed are hoping that the Len Brown affair won’t be covered by the news media for too much longer, as it is “not at all sexy” and “kind of weird, to be honest.”

Aucklanders surveyed are hoping that the Len Brown affair won’t be covered by the news media for too much longer, as it is “not at all sexy” and “kind of weird, to be honest.”

New Zealanders are feeling distinctly disinterested in any details concerning Auckland Mayor Len Brown’s two-year-long affair today, having tried repeatedly over the last 24 hours to masturbate to the incident.

While a small number were able to get off on the derailment of Len Brown’s career, most reported that the whole affair left them feeling guilty and sort of hollow, a chilling emotion they were only able to overcome after a long drive and a cold shower.

Kathleen Nelson, 29, of Hamilton, said that the idea of Brown gyrating slowly on top of a younger woman in council chambers was “initially pretty arousing,” but having walked through the fantasy more delicately in her head, decided it “wasn’t for me.”

“On paper, it looked pretty good,” she explained. “But you just can’t imagine that for too long without thinking of the family, and by that point, it’s just sad, and you feel really weird and kind of alone.”

19-year-old Ryan Stewart was similarly unimpressed, saying that he’d tried to get aroused by the news “out of obligation,” but hadn’t got very far.

“It just wasn’t doing it for me,” he said. “And I’m a student. I get off on pretty much anything.”

34-year-old Harold Edwards explained that he was “a racist,” so didn’t like “anything Asian,” while 38-year-old Donald Ward admitted that he did manage to ejaculate over the mayor’s scandal, but immediately afterwards felt “dead inside,” told his wife, and cried.

As Brown arrived at his office this morning, he was swamped by media, who asked him repeatedly how he felt about the failure of his personal life to lead the nation to climax.

“Oh, no, people aren’t doing that, are they?” he responded. “Please, please don’t do that, for the love of God.”

Despite the majority reaction, there are some who have been unperturbed by any feelings of guilt associated with getting off on the Len Brown scandal. New Zealand Herald journalists have been significantly less productive today, while Whale Oil blogger Cameron Slater has been violently masturbating since he broke the story yesterday afternoon, and has now published more explicit details for the enjoyment of his readers, who are reportedly “very aroused.”