National Party board denies it unanimously agreed to Collins’ Faustian bargain with Satan

Sources close to party president Peter Goodfellow say he was totally blindsided by Collins’ claims he was party to this particular satanic ritual.

Sources close to party president Peter Goodfellow say he was totally blindsided by Collins’ claims he was party to this particular satanic ritual.

National Party president Peter Goodfellow is today issuing a strong denial on behalf of the party’s board, saying they did not, at any point, agree to the Faustian bargain that National leader Judith Collins struck with the Evil One, Son of Perdition, the Devil Satan himself.

When Collins became the leader of the National Party in July of 2020, she forged a pact in the depths of Hell with an old friend, Abaddon, Power of Darkness.

The Devil was initially reluctant to make the deal, as Collins had already mortgaged her soul several times, and he was suspicious that the one he was being offered was a counterfeit.

But Collins assured the Devil that not only was her soul real, and that she had repeatedly suffered great setbacks to reclaim it, but the deal she was to strike had been unanimously signed off on by the board of the National Party.

The Devil agreed, the pact was signed in blood (that of one Todd Muller), and the deal was done.

But as with all Faustian bargains, the understanding was that one day, the Devil would seek his debts.

On November 25th, 2021, he came to collect.

Collins was furious.

“We agreed you’d take my soul, not the party!” she protested.

“The party is your soul, Judith,” replied the Devil. “It’s what makes you who you are.”

“But without this party, what will I do with this blind ambition?” she asked. “What motivation will I have to destroy other people’s careers?”

“Precisely,” he said.

Satan advised Collins that it would be in her best interests not to resist, and he thanked her for not praying properly that one time in church.

But resist Collins did.

As her caucus desperately tried to meet to remove her as leader, she repeatedly refused their requests, and when she could deny them no longer, she attempted everything in her power to disrupt their 9am meeting.

Collins changed the location several times, before putting up misleading signage pointing MPs toward dead ends and leading them out of the building. She spilled twelve litres of milk in the hallway between them and the caucus room, and blocked it off with “Caution: Wet Floor” signs.

When her MPs finally made it to the caucus room, she made them sign in with My Vaccine Pass, and if they didn’t have it, she denied them entry.

The meeting was delayed by more than an hour and a half as MPs desperately tried to obtain their pass through error messages, and site outages. Rotorua MP Todd McClay was barred from the meeting entirely after Births, Deaths and Marriages was unable to verify that he was even alive.

But for all her efforts, the Devil nonetheless reaped his due. Judith Collins was ousted as leader, and the natural party of government set ablaze.

As she despaired, alone, in the wreckage of her leadership, she had one final question for the Father of Lies.

“If you were going to have me rolled, why did you have me write that press release about Simon?” 

“I told you Judith,” he said. “I’m taking the party. I’m taking you all.”

“Except Simeon Brown,” he added. “You can keep Simeon Brown.”

Despite Satan’s understanding of the original arrangement, the board is attempting to prevent the collection of the entire party’s soul, insisting it was totally unaware of its own alleged involvement in Collins’ arrangement.

“It’s my understanding that the Deceiver, King of the Bottomless Pit, Liar and Leviathan, the Devil himself, is attempting to take this party down with Judith Collins, on the basis that the deal she made with him some one years prior was unanimously agreed to by the board of the National Party, thus entwining our fates with hers,” wrote President Peter Goodfellow, in a statement. “But the Ruler of Darkness has been misled. We never agreed to this.”

Goodfellow said that Collins had approached the board about an inevitably catastrophic Faustian arrangement, but they had not signed off on the agreement, nor even seen it.

“The board agreed, in principle, only to the use of some blood magics,” he wrote. “If the Devil wants more than Judith, we can make a token offering in respect of this misunderstanding, such as, for example, Simeon Brown.”

But as of 5pm Friday, it appears that Goodfellow’s pleas are upon deaf ears, as a leadership contest with no clear answer looks set to drag the party deeper into the abyss.

When his dismantling of the National Party is finished, Satan will return to work on his blog, The BFD.