New Zealand left defenceless as troops take army’s only gun to Iraq

New Zealand’s only gun, pictured here, will be used to train Iraqi soldiers to fight ISIS.

New Zealand’s only gun, pictured here, will be used to train Iraqi soldiers to fight ISIS.

Opposition leader and accidental leader of the Labour Party Andrew Little is warning today that Prime Minister John Key’s decision to send 143 troops to Iraq could leave New Zealand completely defenceless, after it was revealed that the contingent would be taking with them the nation’s only gun.

The gun has successfully defended New Zealand for more than 40 years, ever since the other gun suddenly stopped working in 1971 during the Vietnam War.

Little said it was “irresponsible” for the Government to let the gun go, and the Prime Minister should have told New Zealanders earlier.

“I think it completely alters the sort of, the dynamics of the decision [to send personnel to Iraq],” he said. “I mean, in the first place, it’s a decision we strongly oppose, but it’s one that – to some extent – we can understand and stomach, and I think that’s how most of the country feels, too.

“But it all becomes significantly more troubling when you learn they’re not only going to Iraq to fight ISIS, but they’re going to take the gun with them.

“And I have to ask this government a fairly simple, but important, question: How on earth can we defend ourselves without the gun?”

But the Prime Minister, who previously called on Labour to “get some guts”, said the labour leader was scaremongering, and that New Zealand was “more than capable” of defending itself without the gun.

He pointed to the fact that, while the gun would more than likely go to Iraq, New Zealand still has “the cannon.”

“I think most New Zealanders would agree we don’t really need the gun when we’ve got the cannon,” he said. “I don’t know if you’ve seen the cannon, but it has much bigger bullets than the gun.

“At the end of the day, gun goes bang, cannon goes boom, and I think that speaks for itself, really.”

Key acknowledged that the army was no longer in possession of any cannon balls, but said that other things could be used, such as “chairs” and “women.”

Asked why specifically women, Key said that women “occasionally” get pregnant, and this makes them “rounder” and “more like a cannon ball.”

He did, however, wish to emphasise that he wouldn’t know anything about that, as he’s “had a vasectomy.”

Despite today’s controversy, the Government found an unlikely ally in the Greens, who have come out in full support of sending the gun to Iraq.

“Well, we’ve always said we spend far too much money on our military, and far too little on the real social problems our nation is grappling with,” Green Party cocaine-leader Russel Norman told media this morning. “So I think Labour’s contention that we absolutely must hold onto this gun is a bit ridiculous. Our military really doesn’t need that kind of power.”

Norman hoped that once the gun was taken to Iraq, someone will lose it and “we won’t get another one.”

Despite the gun’s departure, the New Zealand military will still be in possession of a cannon, several ceremonial swords and a bucket stacked on top of a remote-control car that we call a “tank.”