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New Zealanders “the best” at drunk driving

An OECD report has found that a disproportionately high number of New Zealanders see this yellow substance as petrol for their mouths.

An OECD report has found that a disproportionately high number of New Zealanders see this yellow substance as petrol for their mouths.

An OECD report has found that, of the organisation’s 34 member countries, New Zealand is “the best” at drunk driving.

In a written statement issued by her office, Justice Minister Judith Collins announced the results of the report this afternoon, confirming that New Zealanders had narrowly beaten out the Irish to be “the best” drunk drivers in the world, something she called “yet another international victory for our small country.”

“Last year was the year of Lorde and Eleanor Catton,” she wrote. “This year, drunk driving.”

Collins said it was unclear whether the report meant that New Zealanders were the most proficient at driving while under the influence, or if it just meant they drunk drove the most.

“Probably the most,” she wrote.

The report follows a nationwide police blitz over the weekend that saw dozens arrested for getting behind the wheel intoxicated.

Speaking briefly to media from his holiday resort in Hawaii, Prime Minister John Key welcomed the report’s findings, saying that New Zealanders could now be proud of the fact they are “the greatest” drunk drivers on the planet.

“Yeah, well, look, obviously we’d prefer that people didn’t drink drive,”he said, “but I think it’s important that as we start the new year, we look for the silver linings in life, and maybe even if we’re doing something bad, we can at least celebrate that we do it really well.

“I mean, how many other countries in the world would see so many arrests over the course of a year, despite the fact pretty much everyone knows when and where the police are going to be out in force targeting this very problem? That takes some real dedication.”

Key added that the high drunk driving rate was “technically” a major societal problem, but that “we can choose to focus on having problems, or we can look to find the positives in there.”

Discussing his round of golf with United States President Barack Obama last week, Key said that Obama had “personally acknowledged” New Zealand’s success in the area of drunk driving, and was “interested” in how we could use that expertise “to our countries’ mutual benefit.”

Asked if he was ever coming home, Key appeared uncertain.