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NZ First elects deputy leader to dissolve party when Winston Peters dies

Martin (pictured) will soon take on the important work of preparing for her party’s inevitable demise.

Martin (pictured) will soon take on the important work of preparing for her party’s inevitable demise.

National RSA political movement New Zealand First has today elected its first deputy leader, whose role in the party will be to dissolve it completely if in the event current leader Winston Peters ever dies.

Tracey Martin, a first-term MP who is notable for her contributions to some things, was the only candidate nominated for the position, which she won narrowly.

At 1pm today, speaking to those in her caucus who had not yet gone to bed, Tracey said some things about some stuff and thanked some people no one knows.

“It is a great honour,” said Martin, “to know that you have given me this opportunity to take on the important responsibility of dissolving this party into oblivion following the death of the only one of us who really matters.”

Martin received no applause, and the rest of what she said is uncertain as assorted media left just seconds after she began speaking.

Leader of NZ First’s youth wing, 68-year-old Humphrey Albertson, welcomed Martin’s election, saying she was “a woman,” and that while that was “a bit fishy,” he thought she would do “a job.”

Party leader Winston Peters, having been asked what he thought about Martin’s election as his deputy, lashed out at media for writing “loaded questions” and proceeded to deliver a lengthy monologue about the “real issue.”

As of this hour, Peters’ monologue has yet to conclude, but it so far appears the real issue has something to do with the Japanese.