Opinion: They’re saying I shouldn’t have citizenship but I’ve been here for at least several days

By Peter Thiel

By Peter Thiel

This is ridiculous.

Ever since everyone found out that I have New Zealand citizenship, they’re acting like I don’t deserve it. They’re acting like I got it just because I was rich.

Let me tell you: I’ve been in New Zealand for a long time, for maybe even four days, at least. I’m not in New Zealand now, but believe me, I have been.

I got there on a Sunday, or one of those other days, and I was immediately taken. I knew I belonged here – I mean there, but if I was there, it would here.

I quickly fell in love with your culture, and your trees, and the other sorts of things you have, like, I want to say, koalas? The Maori culture with the tongues and stuff, it was hypnotizing. I knew then and there that I was to be a kiwis.

And look, you might think of me as foreign, as some rich guy buying up property and just getting citizenship as a legal loophole to construct my own holiday utopia, and maybe it does even look vaguely like that.

But I’m as kiwis as the rest of you. I’ve been a citizen for more than five years, and in that time I’ve spent countless minutes immersing myself in your beautiful country and enriching culture. In the several days I’ve spent there, I’ve learned so much about what it means to be a true blue pukeko, which I know full well is a bird you have.

I love rugby, and your national team, the All Black. I even own my own powhiri, which I know is a real crowd pleaser when put on the barbeque. I like root beets, and get unduly excited when a foreign celebrity mentions New Zealand.

I voted for John Key twice, and enjoy that cake with the green things on it. I even watch all your best television shows, like Shortland Road, and the one with washed-up comedians reading out scripted jokes behind a desk.

I hate Australia, because they once bowled underarm in the baseball tournament.

See? I love New Zealand, and if you give me a chance, you’ll love me too.

And if you don’t, it’s fine; that’ll look very good on my Australian citizenship application.