Opinion: Treat your car by buying it extra petrol to snack on while you aren’t driving

By Mike Hosking.

By Mike Hosking.

Yesterday morning, I waltzed into work, and as I walked past the drones aggressively typing out news on the computers I’ve repeatedly asked to be moved further away from, I caught a glimpse of the words “climate change”, and noticed that suspiciously they weren’t in condescending quotation marks.

That’s not us, I thought to myself. That’s not NZME, New Zealand Media and Entertainment, that’s not our brand, to refer to climate change with a straight face as though it were anything more than some feel-good, save-the-world apocalyptic propaganda thrust upon us by the climate priests of the new eco religion.

I really did think this company, with its no-nonsense approach and eye for talent, was above being lectured to by the virtue signalling Greens or the socialist nitwits in the leftmost recesses of the Labour Party.

Fortunately, I don’t bow to peer pressure. I have an inquiring mind, like all men my age, and I like to apply logic to a problem.

But how do you work out if an idea is logical? It’s simple, really.

A logical idea, one that makes sense, not the prissy academic kind, but common sense, is an idea you can explain to me in one sentence or less. It’s an idea that passes through my ear canal and out the other side with minimal possible interruption.

If you have to think about an idea too long, if you have to work out this and that and start bringing in things you know nothing about, then it’s not logical. If your brain has to struggle to interpret something, or understand it, or the gears in your head are whirring over and over trying to make heads of tails, then this is simply your brain rejecting a bad idea in the same way my digestive system rejects any main that cost me less than $40.

Logical ideas come in short, simple, straightforward sentences.

In other words, logical ideas sound right. They sound right to me. They sound right to you. They sound right anywhere, everywhere. They sound right on the beach. They sound right on the yacht. They sound right in your Coromandel beach house. They sound right in rush-hour traffic, and in the studio, and with a glass of pinot noir in the corporate box at Eden Park.

Let me give you an example. The Government says that if we implement its cumbersome new plan to reform gun licencing, then another terrible massacre will be much less likely to ever happen again.

Is this logical? Of course not. The plan is complicated, it’s unwieldy, and there are more than five parts of it. After the fourth thing, I stopped reading. There’s no point. If one thing happens, and you want five things done as a result, then you’re not offering solutions. You’re pushing an agenda.

It’s a hopeless, helpless agenda too, for the simple reason that these proposed gun regulations are all requirements for following the law, not disobeying it. Who’s going to follow the law? Not criminals. Not violent maniacs. Law abiding gun owners are, but not murderous extremists.

We need to be passing laws that apply only to people who break the law, not to people who follow it. How hard is this? Apparently far too hard for the pointy heads down in Wellington. And it makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

More flawed logic from a flawed government.

This, of course, brings us to cars.

The Government hates cars, and it’s said as much over and over again, with its fuel taxes, its car tax, and its relentless promotion of the many pests of the road: bicycles, buses, scooters, pedestrians, all of which are extremely dangerous and will leave one hell of a mess on the window of your brand new Alfa Romeo. I drive a red one for a reason.

New Zealanders love to drive, it’s in our blood, and yet the Government persists with trying to get us off the roads, so we burn less petrol, all in the name of so-called “climate change.” The noise from these climate religionists is so loud I wouldn’t be surprised if even otherwise right-thinking New Zealanders are becoming wary of the petrol they burn.

And that brings me to my point, which is don’t worry. Don’t let the alarmists and the doomsayers and the guilt-trippers pressure you into buying less fuel for your precious car, whether it be a Ferrari, a Lambo, or even a humble family Audi.

If anything, New Zealanders aren’t buying enough petrol. So many people I know are buying only enough fuel to use when they’re driving, and are rarely, if ever, treating their cars to a snack or a meal on a day where they’re content simply taking a stroll to the yacht club.

So here’s what I suggest: next time you fill up, buy some extra cans of petrol, take them home, and when your car is sitting in the driveway, give it a snack. Turn on the engine and let it feast, give it a rub, and reward it for a job well done. Cars like to eat too, and if the climate zealots are wrong, we’re denying them tasty snacks for no good reason.

And if they’re right? Think of how much warmer it will be in Aspen.