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Opinion: You can’t compare Hosking or Henry’s entirely adequate breakfast shows to this bloody mad police show I used to host

By Former Police Ten 7 Host Graham Bell.

By Former Police Ten 7 Host Graham Bell.

I used to have a bloody mad police show. Am I right or am I right? No, I’m right – bloody mad police show with mad buggers all over the place. Not in the slightest competing with a man with an entirely adequate breakfast show and he’s decided to compete with another man with an entirely adequate breakfast show.

That’s perception, you might say. Well, it’s my perception. I could be wrong, but I’m not.

“How do you know that Mike Hosking and Paul Henry don’t have perfect breakfast shows?” you ask. “You don’t listen to them.”

Okay, I’ll tell you why: because I don’t listen to them.

If you’ve got a bloody mad police show, which I don’t anymore, mind you, you know you’ve got a bloody mad police show, because you film it all the time, you watch the heavily edited replay, and then you play it to your kids when you get home, and your kids say “Dad, that’s a bloody mad police show,” and you say “Yeah, mad buggers all over the place.”

But this is a subjective thing, isn’t it? My impression?

No, oh no, you might like a different breakfast show to me, right, but there’s breakfast shows you like, breakfast shows you don’t like, and then there’s bloody mad police shows. The breakfast shows you like might be different to the ones I like, but the bloody mad police shows are all the same.

And what are they?

Well, you can watch them now, but I won’t be hosting them anymore, I did that for long enough.

A lot of breakfast shows go till 8:30, but mine don’t, because they’re not breakfast shows, are they? They’re bloody mad police shows with mad buggers all over the place.

Mike goes till 8:30, I understand, because he simply isn’t good enough to do any more than that, and Paul goes till 9 because he doesn’t have a prime time TV2 bloody mad police show, does he? I don’t blame him. It’s not easy having a bloody mad police show. I’m not saying he has a bad breakfast show. I don’t know. I don’t listen to it.

Neither of them will hear anything I say about this, anyway, and if they did, 1) They’d be outraged, which is a feeling they love, and 2) Very fucking proud. Proud that their entirely adequate breakfast shows are being discussed by someone who used to have a totally buggered off the rails mad police show.

Of course, I’m not talking about this because I chose to talk about it. I’m talking about it because Mike’s employer, NZME – a company that’s had no run-ins with the law (yet) – has deemed this whole furore about Paul Henry to be very large news indeed.

And I say: good on you. Good on you NZME, for shamelessly shitting all over your competitors. Good on you, for refocusing the news away from what matters, and towards what matters to people. Good on you, for publishing an article selling therapeutic bee venom as though it were an actual story. Good on you, for installing that elevator that leads directly to Mike’s studio so he doesn’t have to mingle in other parts of the building, which set a precedent forcing MediaWorks to build Paul the same thing, which gave Hilary Barry and that kid the courage to have theirs taken away.

Where’s my bloody elevator?

Good on you, for giving that mad bugger Tony Veitch another go, and another go, and another go. Good on you, for putting all your data, statistics and evidence on NZ Herald Insights, so you don’t have to mix it in with your actual news. Good on you, for getting the news out so fast there’s no time to even proof read it once.

And good on you, New Zealand, for watching absolute bleedin’ nonsense, cars going over the pavement, police getting heckled, mad buggers smashing shit all over the show, always blow on the pie; you know, the real nitty gritty, like skinheads putting their domes through fences.

Titties.