I have a perfect breakfast show. Am I right or am I right? No, I’m right – perfect breakfast show. Competing with a man with an entirely adequate breakfast show and he’s decided to compete with someone with a perfect breakfast show.
That’s perception, you might say. Well, it’s my perception. I could be wrong, but I’m not.
“How do you know that Mike Hosking doesn’t have a perfect breakfast show?” you ask. “You don’t listen to it.”
Okay, I’ll tell you why: because I don’t listen to it.
If you’ve got a perfect breakfast show, you know you’ve got a perfect breakfast show, because you listen to it all the time, you listen to it on replay, and then you play it to your kids when you get home.
But this is a subjective thing, isn’t it? My impression?
No, oh no, you might like a different breakfast show to me, right, but there’s breakfast shows you like, breakfast shows you don’t like, and then there’s perfect breakfast shows. The breakfast shows you like might be different to the ones I like, but the perfect ones are the same.
And what are they?
Well, you can listen to them now, if you care to tune into Radio Live or TV3 between 6 and 9am on weekdays.
A lot of breakfast shows go till 8:30, but mine don’t, because they need that extra half hour, and the extra half hour is what makes them perfect.
Mike goes till 8:30, I understand, because he simply isn’t good enough to do any more than that. I don’t blame him. It’s not easy having a perfect breakfast show. I’m not saying he has a bad breakfast show. I don’t know. I don’t listen to it.
He probably won’t hear anything I say about this, anyway, and if he did, 1) He’d be outraged, which is a feeling he loves, and 2) Very fucking proud. Proud that his entirely adequate breakfast show is being discussed by someone with a perfect breakfast show.
Of course, I’m not talking about this because I chose to talk about it. I’m talking about it because Mike’s employer, NZME – terrible company – has deemed this whole furore about me to be very large news indeed.
And I say: good on you. Good on you NZME, for shamelessly shitting all over your competitors. Good on you, for refocusing the news away from what matters, and towards what matters to “people.” Good on you, for publishing an article selling therapeutic bee venom as though it were an actual story. Good on you, for installing that elevator that leads directly to Mike’s studio so he doesn’t have to mingle in other parts of the building, which set a precedent forcing MediaWorks to build me the same thing.
Good on you, for giving Mike Hosking another go, and another go, and another go. Good on you, for putting all your data, statistics and evidence on NZ Herald Insights, so you don’t have to mix it in with your actual news. Good on you, for getting the news out so fast there’s no time to even proof read it once.
And good on you, New Zealand, for tuning in every morning, so we can cut through the nonsense, and get to the real nitty gritty, like Mike Hosking’s titties.
I mean breakfast show.