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Opinion: You can’t compare Paul Henry or Mike Hosking’s entirely adequate breakfast shows to our perfect breakfast show

By Jack Tame and Hilary Barry.

By Jack Tame and Hilary Barry.

We have a perfect breakfast show. Are we right or are we right? No, we’re right – perfect breakfast show. Competing with two men with entirely adequate breakfast shows and they’ve decided to compete with people with a perfect breakfast show.

That’s perception, you might say. Well, it’s our perception. We could be wrong, but we’re not.

“How do you know that Paul Henry and Mike Hosking don’t have perfect breakfast shows?” you ask. “You don’t listen to them.”

Okay, we’ll tell you why: because we don’t listen to them.

If you’ve got a perfect breakfast show, you know you’ve got a perfect breakfast show, because you watch it all the time, you watch it on replay, and then you play it to your kids when you get home.

But this is a subjective thing, isn’t it? Our impression?

No, oh no, you might like a different breakfast show to us, right, but there’s breakfast shows you like, breakfast shows you don’t like, and then there’s perfect breakfast shows. The breakfast shows you like might be different to the ones we like, but the perfect ones are the same.

And what are they?

Well, you can watch them now, if you care to tune into TVNZ 1 between 6 and 9am on weekdays.

A lot of breakfast shows go till 8:30, but ours don’t, because they need that extra half hour, and the extra half hour is what makes them perfect.

Mike goes till 8:30, we understand, because he simply isn’t good enough to do any more than that, and Paul goes till 9 only because he needs that extra half hour to get it right. We don’t blame them. It’s not easy having a perfect breakfast show. We’re not saying they have bad breakfast shows. We don’t know. We don’t listen to them.

They probably won’t hear anything we say about this, anyway, and if they did, 1) They’d be outraged, which is a feeling they love, and 2) Very fucking proud. Proud that their entirely adequate breakfast shows are being discussed by people with a perfect breakfast show.

Of course, we’re not talking about this because we chose to talk about it. We’re talking about it because Mike’s employer, NZME – decent company – has deemed this whole furore about Paul Henry to be very large news indeed.

And we say: good on you. Good on you NZME, for shamelessly shitting all over your competitors. Good on you, for refocusing the news away from what matters, and towards what matters to people. Good on you, for publishing an article selling therapeutic bee venom as though it were an actual story. Good on you, for installing that elevator that leads directly to Mike Hosking’s studio so he doesn’t have to mingle in other parts of the building, which set a precedent forcing MediaWorks to build Paul Henry the same thing, which gave us the courage to have ours taken away.

Good on you, for giving Tony Veitch and Mike Hosking another go, and another go, and another go. Good on you, for putting all your data, statistics and evidence on NZ Herald Insights, so you don’t have to mix it in with your actual news. Good on you, for getting the news out so fast there’s no time to even proof read it once.

And good on you, New Zealand, for tuning in every morning, so we can cut through the nonsense, and get to the real nitty gritty, like Paul Henry and Mike Hosking’s titties.

We mean breakfast shows.