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Simon was right. I am fucking useless. I’m not ashamed of it. I never have been. In fact, that’s why I became an MP. I became an MP because I wanted to represent you, the people of West Coast-Tasman, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re useless. […]
National MP Judith Collins is said to be panicking after her mind lost all control of one of its host bodies in the late hours of this morning. The body, apparently accelerating its programming by several years, went on a 50-minute press conference rampage, accusing leader Simon Bridges of everything […]
One Auckland mother is reportedly furious and distraught after finding her finances several million dollars short due to purchases in the video game Fortnite by one of her ministers. The minister, 55-year-old Phil, has reportedly racked up untold numbers of cosmetic purchases on the mother’s account without her knowledge, and […]
The Wellington man who broke the Len Lye Water Whirler sculpture may be relieved today after a report revealed that his antics on the waterfront art piece have actually doubled its value, an increase largely attributed to the whirler’s violent crowning of its assailant. A panel of experts assessed the […]
In an attempt to ease plummeting business confidence, the not-Labour-led Government says it plans to spend some of its unexpectedly large surplus on therapy for those business owners who are not feeling so confident right now. Finance Minister Grant Robertson said he was “deeply saddened” to see how much confidence […]
Otago University proctor Dave Scott has landed himself in hot water this week after entering a student flat without permission and stealing three bongs. Scott, who has publicly apologised today and acknowledged he made a mistake, says he was just trying to protect the students from possible police action, and […]