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Opinion: Honestly, I am fucking useless

Opinion: Honestly, I am fucking useless

Simon was right. I am fucking useless. I’m not ashamed of it. I never have been. In fact, that’s why I became an MP. I became an MP because I wanted to represent you, the people of West Coast-Tasman, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re useless. […]

Judith Collins loses all control of host body

Judith Collins loses all control of host body

National MP Judith Collins is said to be panicking after her mind lost all control of one of its host bodies in the late hours of this morning. The body, apparently accelerating its programming by several years, went on a 50-minute press conference rampage, accusing leader Simon Bridges of everything […]

On the left is one thing we're talking about. On the right is another thing we're talking about. You see them here juxtaposed. You are now informed.

Just how much of the $2 billion Kiwibuild fund has Phil Twyford spent on Fortnite?

One Auckland mother is reportedly furious and distraught after finding her finances several million dollars short due to purchases in the video game Fortnite by one of her ministers. The minister, 55-year-old Phil, has reportedly racked up untold numbers of cosmetic purchases on the mother’s account without her knowledge, and […]

Water Whirler doubles in value after beaning titanic douchemonger

Water Whirler doubles in value after beaning titanic douchemonger

The Wellington man who broke the Len Lye Water Whirler sculpture may be relieved today after a report revealed that his antics on the waterfront art piece have actually doubled its value, an increase largely attributed to the whirler’s violent crowning of its assailant. A panel of experts assessed the […]

Numbers notably don't indicate whether it's the business owners or if the businesses themselves are sad.

Government will provide therapy for business owners to help them feel more confident

In an attempt to ease plummeting business confidence, the not-Labour-led Government says it plans to spend some of its unexpectedly large surplus on therapy for those business owners who are not feeling so confident right now. Finance Minister Grant Robertson said he was “deeply saddened” to see how much confidence […]

Despite his name and appearance, Dave Scott insists he is just "a human" and not "some kind of proctorbot."

Proctor struggles to explain why he also took two cans of beans, a beer, 60 dollars, and a bath

Otago University proctor Dave Scott has landed himself in hot water this week after entering a student flat without permission and stealing three bongs. Scott, who has publicly apologised today and acknowledged he made a mistake, says he was just trying to protect the students from possible police action, and […]