Other News

Sirs Graham Henry, Peter Jackson, Ian McKellen and Alex Ferguson are just four of the countless knights to answer the Queen’s call.

Queen summons knights to go on quest for Holy Grail

Queen Elizabeth II of Britain has summoned her entire order of knights to Buckingham Palace in England this week, to assign them the task of going on a quest to find the ancient relic known as the Holy Grail. The Holy Grail – while taking many different forms in various […]

Sources close to Key say that he hasn’t had much sleep lately, as the grey suits have been coming more often.

‘The men in grey suits tell me nothing,’ says Key

Prime Minister John Key has today denied that the Government Communications Security Bureau (GCSB) has been circumventing New Zealand law by accessing data from international spy network PRISM, though says if they did, he wouldn’t know, because “the men in grey suits tell me nothing.” Key reports that the men […]

President Obama reportedly “especially enjoyed” the bit where Dunne had to explain his behaviour to the Prime Minister.

President Obama listening to Peter Dunne’s phone conversations with amusement

Sources report that United States President Barack Obama has spent the last week secretly listening to the phone conversations of former Revenue Minister Peter Dunne with “great amusement,” and has told aides that he has particularly enjoyed Dunne’s slow mental decline from denial to desperation. Obama, who has been listening […]

Peter Dunne says he will be resigning as a minister, because he has “failed [his] own personal test” of not appearing to have killed someone.

Peter Dunne suddenly wakes up in pool of blood at press conference

Revenue Minister Peter Dunne has suddenly woken up this afternoon in a pool of blood at the Beehive, surrounded by microphones and reporters. Dunne told waiting media that he had “no idea” what was happening, and that he “can’t possibly rationalise” the events of the last few days. As he […]

Here you will find important information on how to become a member of The Civilian Party.

Editorial: Why we’re registering a political party

To help us reach our goal of 500 members so that we can become officially registered as a political party, click here. Tena koutou, tena koutou, tena koutou katoa. My name is Ben Uffindell, and for those of you who read the Marlborough Express, the above paragraph means “hello” in […]

Mayor Julie Hardaker has reassured Hamiltonians that “nothing could possibly go wrong” with the addition of Powerade to the water supply.

Hamilton to replace fluoride with Powerade

The Hamilton City Council has resolved to replace the fluoride in its water supply with the blue “Mountain Blast” variety of sports drink Powerade. “This is the start of a more energetic Hamilton,” said Mayor Julie Hardaker this morning, before awkwardly raising one fist in the air. Hardaker said that […]