Petrol companies recommend fighting climate change by buying lots of petrol and not using it

Several explosions have been reported across Auckland, as well-meaning environmentalists have already begun purchasing too much petrol

Several explosions have been reported across Auckland, as well-meaning environmentalists have already begun purchasing too much petrol

Starting from next week, customers will no longer need a car to purchase petrol directly from the pump, a development that two major fuel providers are billing as an opportunity to help fight climate change.

Fuel companies BP and Z Energy are suggesting that the best way environmentally conscious Kiwis can reduce carbon emissions and offset the effects of human induced climate change, is to buy overwhelming amounts of petrol they don’t need, and see that it doesn’t get burned.

“Every litre of petrol that you buy is one fewer litre of petrol that a motorist can use,” said Mike Bennetts, CEO of Z Energy. “So we’re saying, come on down, if your interests are those of the environment, we’re with you. We’ll sell you as much fuel as you want, so you can recycle it, stash it away, or dump it back into the ocean where it came from.”

Bennetts said “fish don’t have cars” so it’ll be “perfectly safe down there.”

Prior to now, customers purchasing petrol without putting it directly into the vehicle would have to buy it in prepackaged containers, but as of Monday, that will change, with BP and Z both allowing customers to bring along cans, buckets, tubs or even their own barrels to fill up directly from the pump.

“If you want, you can even just pump it straight out onto the concrete,” said BP’s Adrian McClellan. “So long as you pay for it of course.”

McClellan said it was important for customers to know that “there’s only so much petrol down there [beneath the station], so if you all band together you could definitely make a dent in it.”

He said BP was even considering offering customers ten cents off per litre for every 100 litres they don’t need.

Z couldn’t promise any discounts, but Bennetts did say that they would be offering a “generous” buyback scheme for customers who found themselves with “too much unnecessary petrol”, and would refund them to the tune of about 20%.

Anyone with an AA Smartfuel card will be able to earn points on their unnecessary fuel purchases, which can be redeemed to buy cigarettes, thus keeping them away from addicts and poor people.

AA strictly advises customers not to smoke their cigarettes, especially not around their fuel stockpiles.

Transport Minister Phil Twyford said that if kiwis seemed to “take to” the buying of unnecessary petrol for environmental reasons, the Government would “certainly consider” tax credits for those engaging in the practice, provided they “don’t explode.”