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Police release instructions on how best to panic about 1080 threat

If you need advice on how to panic, call 111 and behave “highly unreasonably,” say police.

If you need advice on how to panic, call 111 and behave “highly unreasonably,” say police.

Following today’s revelation that Fonterra has received an anonymous threat to contaminate its infant formulas with 1080 poison, police are trying to manage the public response by making sure New Zealand parents know how best to panic.

“Obviously this is a very serious threat, not just to Fonterra, but to our nation’s kids,” said Mike Clement, Police deputy commissioner of national operations. “We want to make sure that we provide the best information possible, and avoid saying anything that would cause anyone to have a response other than what we would deem to be proportional.”

Clement said that police would be urging the public “not to panic, calm down, consider how you were panicking, re-evaluate it, and then go back to panicking, hopefully with more feeling this time.”

Just after this afternoon’s press conference, police released on their website a series of detailed instructions about how exactly parents and other New Zealanders should be panicking.

It included the following suggestions:

  • Don’t just stand around looking worried. That isn’t sufficient. Try to understand just how dangerous this threat is. Your child could be dead within the hour, and so could everyone you’ve ever known or loved.
  • If your partner or other family members have not yet received word of the possible contamination, call them via telephone and tell them. Make sure when they answer the phone you are screaming. Do not stop screaming.
  • Call 111 several times, scream, and hang up. If you are using a landline, police will be dispatched to your location to help you panic.
  • If you have a panic button installed in your home, press it. Repeatedly.
  • Give all edibles – not just baby formula – to your dog or cat before eating it yourself or feeding it to your child. It is possible that 1080 campaigners have poisoned everything.
  • Take your baby to the emergency room for no reason.
  • Send your phone contacts thinly-veiled accusations that they are responsible for the threats, and then dob them in to police.
  • Follow up your angry Facebook post from last week about our over-reaching surveillance state, with a new post about how shocked and appalled you are that police are unable to identify who is responsible for this.
  • Smash something.
  • Set something on fire.
  • Go looting.*

(* You will likely be arrested for this. While being arrested, flail your arms and legs around wildly while screaming “My baby! Don’t let them take my baby!”)

  • Gather your whole family, get in your car, and drive at least 100km inland to avoid a tsunami.
  • Pour 1080 into your own baby formula in a frantic attempt to restore certainty to your life.