President Obama listening to Peter Dunne’s phone conversations with amusement

President Obama reportedly “especially enjoyed” the bit where Dunne had to explain his behaviour to the Prime Minister.

President Obama reportedly “especially enjoyed” the bit where Dunne had to explain his behaviour to the Prime Minister.

Sources report that United States President Barack Obama has spent the last week secretly listening to the phone conversations of former Revenue Minister Peter Dunne with “great amusement,” and has told aides that he has particularly enjoyed Dunne’s slow mental decline from denial to desperation.

Obama, who has been listening to Dunne’s private correspondence with journalist Andrea Vance, his chief of staff Rob Eaddy and wife Jennifer, has spent countless hours out of his usually busy work schedule to follow the ongoing drama over the leak of Rebecca Kitteridge’s report into the Government Communications Security Bureau (GCSB).

Obama told several close friends that he had been wire-tapping Peter Dunne and Andrea Vance for “some time now,” and felt “pretty special” to know the culprit of the leak well before anyone else.

“Hey, Denis,” said Obama to his chief of staff Denis McDonough one day. “Listen to this. It’s pretty funny.”

McDonough was then handed a phone and forced to listen to a tearful conversation between Dunne and his wife, in which Dunne repeatedly expressed his fear of being caught.

Sources say the President had been anxiously waiting for weeks for the “lid to finally blow on this thing,” and some believe he may have leaked details to New Zealand First leader Winston Peters, “just to move things along.”

Obama was particularly elated when Dunne was forced to resign his ministerial portfolios after being identified as the most likely culprit, saying to McDonough “there’s some real shit going down now, Denis.”

In recent days, Obama has told his aides that Dunne’s phone conversations since his resignation have marked a significant decline in his usual sensibleness, with the disgraced MP struggling to assemble a series of incoherent explanations as to why he didn’t or couldn’t have leaked the report.

“What if everything that is public is actually private?” Dunne reportedly mused to Mr. Eaddy. “And therefore, in making the report public, what I actually did, was make it private? I don’t know. My hair has been very heavy lately and I haven’t been thinking straight.”

“But wait,” he said. “What if I’m Rebecca Kitteridge? That would change everything.”

Prime Minister John Key was asked this morning whether he thought it was concerning that the President of the United States could willingly and without consequence tap the private phone conversations of citizens in another country. Key replied that there was “nothing” he could do, and that we “might as well make the best of this situation,” because if we don’t, it would be like “comparing apples and oranges to a parrot.”

He said most New Zealanders would agree that Obama is a “nice guy” and “wouldn’t do anything nasty with our personal information, anyway.”

When Peter Dunne was informed that Obama had been listening in on his conversations, he said he wasn’t bothered, and was just relieved to learn that the smooth, suggestive voice telling him to do bad things wasn’t in his head.