Prime Minister announces plans to merge Phillipstown School with the High Court

Key says if the High Court resists his attempts to merge it with Phillipstown School, he may consider merging it with “not being a thing anymore.”

Key says if the High Court resists his attempts to merge it with Phillipstown School, he may consider merging it with “not being a thing anymore.”

Following a High Court judge’s ruling that the government’s plan to merge Phillipstown School with Woolston School is unlawful, Prime Minister John Key has proposed that Phillipstown instead be merged with the Court, saying that “if they like them so much, maybe they should get married.”

“Yeah, well, look, we were obviously pretty disappointed with the Court’s ruling,” he said. “We face court action all the time as the Government; some of them go our way, some of them go against us.

“But I think part of that is that the courts don’t have to deal with the aftermath of their decisions. So, frankly, if they like Phillipstown so much, then maybe they should just go live with them.”

Key said he had yet to work through the proposal’s details, but thought it might give children a good opportunity to get involved with the judicial process.

“I think most ordinary New Zealanders would agree that there’ve been some very questionable decisions come out of the courts from time to time, now and then, so why not give kids a chance to have a go at deciding cases? They’ll probably do just as well.”

Labour leader David Cunliffe said he was “vehemently against” the proposal.

“Sonny Bill Williams had his chance to signal his availability for the Kiwi league squad, and he missed it,” he said. “He needs to learn to play by the rules.”

When reminded that he was being asked about the school/court merger and not the Williams saga, Cunliffe accused Campbell Live journalist Rebecca Wright of attempting to dishonestly frame the issue.

“Look, Rebecca, I’ll tell you what I’m talking about, okay, and you’ll write down what I say,” he explained. “That’s how this works.”

Head of the Phillipstown Secessionist Movement, Phillip, said that the Prime Minister was moving into “dangerous territory.”

“Nobody messes with my town,” Phillip said from his office in the back of a butchery.

“If Key thinks he can tell my people how they should live their lives, then he has another thing coming,” he said, preparing and packaging a pair of fresh porterhouse steaks.

“Phillipstown has been through a lot,” he continued, idly turning in his hand a Perspex paperweight containing a pair of human molars. “But we’re strong. We’re resilient. We have t-shirts with ‘Kia Kaha’ written on them. Nobody tells Phillip how Phillipstown should be run, apart from Phillip.”

When asked how he might fight the planned merger, Phillip indicated the school may hold a cake stall.

Phillip was later informed by media that John Key’s middle name is Phillip, and has since reported feeling “confused and betrayed.”