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Prime Minister assassinated, nuclear bomb detonated; no one notices because cricket

The international community is spiralling to the brink of nuclear warfare and South Africa are currently 216-3 at 38 overs.

The international community is spiralling to the brink of nuclear warfare and South Africa are currently 216-3 at 38 overs.

The Prime Minister is dead and the Syrian city of Damascus is aflame tonight, though neither of these developments have yet been covered by media, as journalists gorge themselves on Australia’s national game of paddle-ball.

The paddle-ball, which is proving to be the most popular international sporting event in New Zealand since the moneyboat race (though expected to be dwarfed later this year by the great eggball championship in England), has captivated the nation’s 2,000-some journalists, and by extension, the country.

At 2:17pm, Prime Minister John Key was shot in the chest by a lone gunman outside Parliament, at roughly the same time that New Zealand’s Trent Boult bowled out South Africa’s Hashim Amla, setting off wild celebrations in and around Eden Park.

Just over an hour later, the centre of Syrian capital Damascus was levelled as terror group ISIS detonated a loose nuclear bomb acquired from stockpiles in Pakistan, while Martin Guptill caught Russouw out for 37 runs, and everyone was very happy.

New Zealanders up and down the country are only now beginning to react to today’s harrowing events.

“I’m having to work pretty hard just to keep my kids calm at this point,” said 43-year-old Don Shaw. “South Africa is looking to set a pretty high total, and we still haven’t got AB de Villiers.”

“It’s not so much that we’re worried about us,” added Shaw’s wife, Kelly. “It’s about our children when they grow up, and their children, that they have to live in this world.

“I just hope McCullum can do something.”

No further details are yet known about the Prime Minister’s death, or the nuclear attack, as journalists around the country scramble to analyse weather reports and ascertain how long, at this point, the game will be rained off, and whether it will benefit New Zealand.

Sources close to the Prime Minister’s office say please go away we’re trying to watch the cricket.

This evening’s news blackout is the biggest since human beings made contact with intelligent alien life on the night of October 23rd, 2011.