Prime Minister eats kiwi, just to make sure we’re not missing out on anything

Witnesses report that the Prime Minister “ate the whole damned thing right there on the television set.”

Witnesses report that the Prime Minister “ate the whole damned thing right there on the television set.”

In what he described as “an act of public service,” Prime Minister John Key last night ate a roasted specimen of New Zealand’s national symbol live on Parliament TV.

Key explained his motives for eating the kiwi at the start of the unscheduled half-hour broadcast.

“There are many things that unite us as New Zealanders, and one of those is that none of us can ever probably remember eating a kiwi,” he said. “But I think most ordinary New Zealanders know that we often think to ourselves ‘I really wonder what they taste like.’

“Tonight, as an act of public service, I plan to make it so we don’t have to wonder about that any longer.”

The Prime Minister then sat down at a dinner table behind a silver platter with a large domed lid, tucked a white napkin into his collar, and lifted the lid to reveal a roast kiwi surrounded by crinkle-cut chips.

Key then began a determined effort to dissect the carcass with his hands, clumsily scooping chunks of steaming white flesh into his mouth, punctuating his chewing with occasional sounds of contentment.

About three-quarters of the way through the effort, as he was addressing the kiwi’s hindquarters, Key sat back in his chair with apparent indigestion.

“Phew, she’s tough going,” he said, mopping his brow.

However, he soon recommenced his valiant struggle, cracking open a leg bone and using it as a straw to suck up remnants of stray kiwi fluid.

Key was careful to spend a long time picking every last speck of meat from the carcass, leaving it a bare, bleached shadow of its former self.

After cleaning the dish with a burst of energetic thrusts of his tongue, Key sat and contemplated the meal.

“Yeah, well, it’s, um… it was pretty good. Yeah. I liked the skin bit, but I think I prefer chicken,” he said.

“It’s okay, everyone: we haven’t really been missing out on anything. We can keep it on the protected list.”

Green Party cocoa-leader Doctor von Russel Norman slammed the spectacle, calling it a “cheap attention-seeking stunt.”

“Why did the Prime Minister choose to eat a kiwi, and not one of the less well-known species, such as the kakapo, takahe, or emu?”

When reminded that the emu is not a New Zealand bird, Australian-born Norman responded that he sometimes forgets where he is. He then turned around and looked out the window of his bus seat, re-inserting his iPod earbuds.

When asked this morning why he felt entitled to eat a kiwi, Key replied “Yes.”