Quick tips: Six fun ways you can prevent terrorism at home

civilianterrortipsfeatureThere sure is a lot of terror in the world today. It’s hard to turn on our television sets without seeing people running for their lives or police putting cordons around things. There was even that train crash on Coronation Street recently.

Yes, it’s enough to convince anyone that the world has gone entirely to shit. You can’t even walk down the street to buy bread anymore without being blown up or beheaded by an ISIS militant.

If you haven’t taken your kids out of school already, you’re a fool.

But there is good news. Despite all the turmoil in the world, there are still things you can do and valuable actions you take to ensure the safety of you, your family, and the entirety of Western civilization. And believe it or not, it can even be fun!

We’ve put together a list of six simple steps you can take to prevent terrorism at home.


1. Avoid becoming involved in the plotting or execution of acts of terror

This is very important. Unlike in the past, acts of terrorism are no longer extremely coordinated operations that flow from a chain of command in unstable regions of the world.

Most terror today is home grown; people becoming self-radicalized watching television or browsing the internet. There’s a fine line between watching The Kardashians or The Bachelor and wanting to wreak untold destruction on all of humanity. It’s a slippery slope.

If you want to avoid becoming radicalized, it’s best not to listen to anyone, and avoid the consumption of media. You never know when someone could get inside your head with an idea you didn’t put there. Anything could radicalize you; even this article is dangerous. Stop reading it right now.


2. Be vigilant, but don’t discriminate. It’s not just Muslims

It’s also the Irish.

As well as keeping an eye on your Muslim neighbours, make sure to keep an even closer eye on your Irish neighbours. You might think you know them, and you might dismiss them as adorable wee folk from a quaint land across the sea.

But make no mistake, the Irish have done untold damage to British infrastructure throughout the ages, and while they haven’t attacked for over a decade, this is likely to mean the next one’s going to be big.


3. Plan a terror attack of your own to get an idea of what a real terrorist might do

When being vigilant, it helps to know what a terrorist might be up to in the course of a terror attack. That way you can cut them off and prevent them from executing the next step in their plan.

This is why you should think about extensively planning your own attack.

Visit a local landmark and take pictures of security cameras, security personnel, or any points of weakness the site or structure might have. Ask guards and police where they think the best place to plant a bomb might be.


4. Stock weapons and perhaps a large vehicle

After you’ve done conducting extensive surveillance of the hypothetical target and posted the pictures around your bedroom wall, the next step you’ll want to take is to acquire heavy weapons and a large vehicle, preferably a truck or bus.

You can often help prevent terror by buying up the resources the real terrorists will want.


5. Write a suicide note

You’re going to need this, because you’re probably not coming back. You’ll want to put a political statement in this. Perhaps you’re upset about US and British incursion into the Middle East. Maybe you’re still angry that Northern Ireland still belongs to the empire. Or perhaps you’re just really teed off that you pay $56 a month for Sky Sport’s streaming service which only provides you channels 1 to 4, and then they put a live event on a pop-up channel that you can’t access while running nothing but highlights on Sky Sport 1.

All of these are equally legitimate causes.


6. Conduct your terror attack

You’ve planned it, you’ve acquired the resources, built an IED, and become unwittingly radicalized. There’s only one thing left to do now: carry out your meticulously planned terror attack and aim for as much chaos and destruction as possible; the damage you can do in a short period without dying is the difference between an attack that will be forgotten in days and one that will go down in history.