Ransomware virus will only unlock users’ computers if Bill English hands over secret family pizza recipe

Infected users are beginning to panic this evening as English appears unwilling to disclose exactly what is in the pizza, or where the uphill bits are.

Infected users are beginning to panic this evening as English appears unwilling to disclose exactly what is in the pizza, or where the uphill bits are.

Many of the nation’s businesses are at a standstill this evening as a ransomware virus that locks users out of their computers rapidly spreads across the country.

The virus, named WannaPiece, encrypts users’ files so they can’t be accessed, and threatens not to decrypt them unless Prime Minister Bill English discloses his secret spaghetti and pineapple pizza recipe, and – if he is not immediately forthcoming – the location of his now-famous walk-runs.

English describes the walk-run as an activity where you “walk the uphill bits and run the downhill bits,” which is also said to be the National Party’s working slogan for this year’s election.

A message and accompanied countdown timer appears on infected systems’ screens, and reads:

“Can I recover my files?

Sure. We guarantee that you can recover all your files safely and easily. But only if your Prime Minister hands over the secret recipe to his famous family pizza.

If he does not do so within 3 days, we will also require the location of his reportedly excellent walk-run track.

If these details have not been provided to us by the Prime Minister in 7 days, your files will be lost forever.”

With less than 72 hours remaining in the first countdown, the Prime Minister’s office has refused to cave, and Bill English, speaking to media this evening, said he did not under “any circumstances” want to disclose to “anybody” what is in the pizza, because it would be “embarrassing.”

“That is not an option,” he said, firmly. “There must be another way, and we’re looking into it.”

When pressed, English floated several possible contingency plans.

“Obviously we’re concerned about this, but we don’t negotiate with criminals, and we are presently in talks with hospitals and other essential services to offer them alternative solutions,” he read from a post-it note. “These include turning the computer on and off again, uninstalling the virus, and checking to see if the screen is plugged in.”

Asked how checking to see if the screen is plugged in would remove the virus, English said it was “very important” that “computer screens are plugged in.”

“Otherwise you don’t see anything,” he added.

English said that while the pizza recipe was off-limits, if worst came to worst, he may be open to negotiating some details about the walk-run, as “theoretically I could do that somewhere else,” though adding he “never has.”