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Rudd declares victory, refuses to leave office

Rudd declares victory after losing Saturday’s federal election to rival Tony Abbott.

Rudd declares victory after losing Saturday’s federal election to rival Tony Abbott.

Outgoing Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has declared victory in Saturday’s federal election after results showed Labor suffering a crushing defeat at the hands of the Coalition, and is today refusing to leave his office in Canberra, saying he intends to stay on as Prime Minister for “some years to come.”

As a series of dismal results came in on Saturday, Rudd took to the stage at his election night party in Brisbane, declaring a triumphant victory over former Prime Minister Julia Gillard, and promising numerous reforms that he said would “enable Australia to prosper over the next three years under a Labor government.”

Not once in the two-hour-long speech did he mention opposition leader and incoming Prime Minister Tony Abbott, who is still waiting for a concession call.

After his speech, Rudd took photos of himself with every supporter in the room, before leaving for Canberra, where he promptly made his way to the Prime Minister’s Office.

Aides close to Rudd believed that he just “needed a bit of time” to say goodbye to the office, but today learned that he has barricaded himself inside and is refusing to hand over power.

In a bizarre YouTube address filmed this morning on his iPhone 5, an unshaven, red-eyed Rudd assured supporters that he would be “working hard in the coming months to deliver a stronger, fairer Australia,” and that all he needed was “your confidence and some chips.”

“I really, really need your chips,” he emphasized.

“Actually, on second thought, some of those fruit roll things. Just anything that we can slide under the door without opening it, really.”

Numerous attempts have been made to coax him out of his office, and Rudd’s friend and family are beginning to worry about his lack of access to food, water or perspective.

Rudd’s wife, Therese, made an impassioned plea for him to come out this afternoon, but this was met with denial from the Prime Minister, who insisted he was fine and “keeping myself busy.” Rudd proceeded to send her several pictures he’d drawn of Julia Gillard on fire.

Tony Abbott was feeling “relaxed” about the situation, saying that he didn’t need to take office immediately, and would wait for Rudd to come out or die.

Rudd was last heard from two hours ago, when he posted a video about the development of Australia’s national broadband network, which he was attempting to build using loose fibres from his jumper.