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Scientists begin search for elusive ‘capital gain particle’ to explain runaway housing market

Physicists at Auckland University want to understand why our nation’s shitholes are so hard to buy, and when it might finally end.

Physicists at Auckland University want to understand why our nation’s shitholes are so hard to buy, and when it might finally end.

A team of physicists from Auckland’s The University of Auckland are preparing a series of experiments to uncover a mysterious elementary particle that may be responsible for New Zealand’s runaway housing market.

The announcement comes as price increases around the country continue to defy expectations, economics, and even the physical laws of our reality themselves.

“We have all sorts of theories for what’s happening in the market, why house prices continue to explode at such an incredible rate despite economic conditions,” said Professor Richard Easther, who is leading the team. “Overregulation, underregulation, lack of supply, lack of taxation, et cetera. But none of those explanations fully account for the amount of capital gain we’re seeing. In some cases, they barely account for any of it at all.

“It’s as though capital gain is literally springing into existence from nowhere.”

This observation led Easther and his team to hypothesize the existence of an as-yet unobserved capital gain particle, which is fundamentally responsible for all capital gain seen in the known universe. Discovering it could provide answers for what has happened so far in New Zealand, and what might happen next.

In some places around the country, capital gains are reaching such high levels that they are no longer safe for humans, and MetService and NIWA are urging home owners to consider shielding themselves and others from the capital gains radiating from their properties.

A 14-year-old girl was forced to seek medical attention last week after receiving mild surface burns from a home in Greenlane.

The owner of the home and six others, Clayton Doherty, denies it was his capital gains that caused the girl’s burns.

“She was a cloudy day, granted,” he said, “But you know what they say. Either way, not our home, we’re just humble, over here, could be any of these houses.”

“Those guys, those guys are fuck off rich,” he added, gesturing at the entire neighbourhood.

MetService says that while traditional sunscreens won’t help against capital gain burns, New Zealanders travelling to the country’s fastest appreciating neighbourhoods should cover as much of themselves as possible, and consider applying zinc or some other bullshit.

Capital gains are becoming a problem even for many home owners, especially those who don’t want to sell, yet continue to attract roving gangs of real estate agents.

Wendy Alexander, CEO of the Real Estate Institute of New Zealand, said real estate agents can “sense capital gain” and smell it from “quite a distance away.”

“They are naturally attracted to the source of the gain, because that’s where they harvest the commission that they’ll use to adorn their dwellings and nurture their young,” she said. “There’s not a whole lot you can do about it, really. They will find you.”

Olivia Hudson says her home in Taupō was recently overrun by real estate agents, many of whom began to cause a real nuisance in and around the property.

“Look, it’s no secret our house has definitely gained a lot in value over the last ten years, we’re very aware of it,” she said, “but we honestly don’t want to sell, we’re happy here, we’re not in it for a buck, but the last few months, these realtors, they’re just, everywhere. They hang around the front lawn, they sit up our trees, we found one in our garage last night.

“The capital gain really sends them into a sort of a trance, it’s like a pheromone, and they behave erratically, not at all themselves.”

Hudson said for weeks now she’s been forced to remove real estate agents from her guttering, and help free others who’ve become stuck in the bars of her front gate, having attempted to squeeze through them to get closer to a possible source of commission.

Easther and his team don’t plan to offer any immediate answers to these problems, but they are hoping to at least help kiwis understand why the gain is beginning to multiply at such an alarming rate.

In order to detect the capital gain particle, the Auckland physicists plan to carefully recreate the conditions that existed at the very beginnings of the housing market, an experiment currently held up by ethics approval due to its devastating racial implications.